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Friday, March 29, 2024

Lautner, Collins star in 'Abduction'; meets poor expectations

I find some sort of sick pleasure in seeing movies with the expectation that they will be awful. I love films that are so bad that they cross over into hysterical. When I set out to see the action thriller "Abduction" during the weekend of its Sept. 23 release, I fully expected to be exiting the theater in tears from joyous laughter. My premonition of "Abduction" being a fabulous disaster was completely accurate.

"Twilight's" werewolf heartthrob, Taylor Lautner, stars as the impulsive Nathan Price. Price is a teenager who falls into a conspiracy plot when he discovers his photo on a missing-persons website. "Abduction" is Lautner's breakaway role from the vampire franchise that made him famous. He is proof of what a good haircut and muscle building can do for someone's career. These days, it seems any guy who looks good without a shirt on has massive potential as an action star.

For Lautner's sake, I wish this were true. He has come a long way from his "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl" days, but still hasn't proven his ability as an action star, or an actor for that matter. This was also his opportunity to show off his years of martial arts training, which was the only mildly impressive aspect of his role.

Opposite Lautner is newcomer Lily Collins as the supposedly irresistible girl next door, Karen. I must say that the only memorable qualities of Collins' performance were her enormous Brooke Shields-circa-1980 eyebrows. Her futile attempts to seem seductive or concerned were unconvincing to the point of hilarious.

I have to say that not even Bruce Willis as the title character could have saved this film from becoming a complete joke. The script alone is as creative as bath tissue.

Not a single line felt genuine or befitting of the situation at hand. Something horrific would happen, followed by dialogue that underplayed the emotional turmoil a character would be expected to feel.

Even the predictable steamy make-out scene between Lautner and Collins was interrupted by a ridiculous, unrealistic attempt to move the story along. The plot was typical of any bad action film with an identity revelation, secret information and Russian bad guys. I personally think action producers should give the Russians a break and pick a new nationality for their antagonists.

The biggest outrage of the film was the inclusion of veteran actors who do not deserve to have their good names soiled with "Abduction" on their filmography. I would never have expected former "Alien" star Sigourney Weaver to deliver a deflated one-liner in any movie, let alone one as beneath her as "Abduction." It was disturbing to see her stoop so low.

If you're a serious action-flick buff looking for a thrilling experience with a myriad of explosions and clever lines, then "Abduction" is not the film for you. On the other hand, if you just want to see Lautner in a formfitting T-shirt drop kicking a Russian, then it's definitely worth the money. There is nothing unexpected or surprising about how truly terrible "Abduction" is. Any notorious heckler will have a great time seeing this film.

Posts in Swamp Cinema appear on Mondays.

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