Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
We inform. You decide.
Thursday, March 28, 2024
NEWS  |  CAMPUS

Two-ply or die: UF, raise your toilet paper standards

Earlier this week, a close friend confided in me what she wanted more than anything in her dream college. “My dream university,” she paused before telling me, lest she be embarrassed, “would have two-ply toilet paper in their restrooms.”

Although expressed in a bizarre and wildly inappropriate manner, I think her dream reflects that of many college students: They want their university to be the best of the best, standing head and shoulders — or more appropriately, leg and ankle — above other colleges. A good university should nourish and take care of its students wherever possible. While this is usually understood to mean improvements in the classroom, bathrooms are also rooms found on college campuses, and any institution worth its salt ought to guarantee not only the comfort but also the joy that can be found in a half-decent restroom.

Her comment made me pause and ponder: What are UF’s bathrooms like? Sure, we may be one of the most prominent public universities in the U.S. I suppose we have distinguished alumni, with luminaries such as Joe Scarborough and Ryan Lochte showing the world the best we have to offer. Hell, we gave the world Gatorade, the drink most closely associated with urine-based pranks. But does any of that truly mean a thing if students cannot relieve themselves without stooping to wipe the toilet seat before they sit down? In my eyes — and I hope I speak for every person in The Gator Nation when I say this — no.

And it is for this reason that after a half-hour’s worth of careful examination, fact checking and soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I’m glad she goes to Florida State University, where her disappointment with the quality of the toilet paper is only the beginning of an FSU student’s woes. While I cannot vouch for, or even dare to imagine, what FSU’s public restrooms are like, it only took me one visit to a UF bathroom to realize they not only fail to meet the standard established by my outlandish friend but also the standards we as Gators hold ourselves to. Spurred by my own intrigue and inspired by her curiously low standards for an ideal college experience, I sought to review UF’s bathrooms for myself and see what, if any, improvements can be made.

After conducting thorough research — Googling “ideal bathroom experiences” — I came up with what restrooms should provide: ample lighting and space for a pleasing aesthetic, and two-ply toilet paper.

With these standards in mind, I went about my task of experiencing the myriad public restrooms UF has to offer.

It would have been a fool’s errand to try to cover every public restroom at UF, so I limited myself to those recommended to me by a carefully chosen, diverse cross section of students: the four white Jewish males I live with. I settled on two locations: Little Hall and Pugh Hall.

I began with Little Hall, which bade ill for my endeavor. I had been told that Little Hall’s first floor restroom was, in short, a nightmare. My one, and what is sure to be only, visit confirmed this. Upon stepping inside, I felt as though I had ended up on set of the first “Saw” movie: dim lighting, gray walls and a lack of paper-towel dispensers left me upset to my core. Walking to its lone stall, hoping against hope, I held a roll of toilet paper in my hand to see if Little Hall could be salvaged. The ease with which I ripped through a sheet proved that no, it could not. Two out of ten, would not do again.

Pugh, on the other hand, was a different story. Complemented by sensuous lighting, the bathroom’s beige tilework and spacious interior made for an ideal bathroom experience. With that said, it too lacked that key ingredient, that divine substance which distinguishes bathrooms of prestige from those of ill repute. I speak, of course, of two-ply toilet paper. While I begrudgingly give Pugh’s restrooms an eight out of ten, would do again, it is not without reservations. UF is one of the best institutions in the world, and as it expects the best out of its students, we should expect the best out of it as well. Two-ply or bust.

Zach Schlein is a UF political science junior. His column appears on Fridays.

[A version of this story ran on page 5 on 1/30/2015 under the headline “xTwo-ply or die: UF needs TP standards"]

Enjoy what you're reading? Get content from The Alligator delivered to your inbox
Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Independent Florida Alligator has been independent of the university since 1971, your donation today could help #SaveStudentNewsrooms. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2024 The Independent Florida Alligator and Campus Communications, Inc.