TOPEKA — Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, passed away at 11:15 p.m. Wednesday. Confused members are already outside the church picketing his funeral.
“We’ve always stood against soldiers who died fighting to protect the freedoms we love so dearly in this great nation,” said Dale Dimms, a Westboro Baptist Church member. “This American religious, imperialistic zealot was no different from them.”
“Holy s**t, that guy is an a**hole,” ruler of the underworld Satan said. “Here I am, trying to torture actual sinners, you know, serial killers, rapists, fascist dictators, et cetera. He always interrupts me, telling me, ‘They weren’t sinners, because they believed in Christ and didn’t do any gay stuff.’”
Although most weren’t happy with Phelps’ lifestyle, some people defended his right to be buried without controversy.
“I can’t believe the Westboro Baptist Church is picketing his funeral. That’s disrespectful,” Christian woman Shelly Brown said. “That’s not the kind of thing Christ would approve of, right? No matter how much you dislike someone, I doubt Christ would advocate picketing his or her funeral.”
Brown was correct, according to the Savior of the world Jesus Christ himself.
“I have no idea what the hell was wrong with that guy,” Jesus said. “I understand he was a big fan of mine, but it’s pretty clear he never read my biography. Not once do I ever talk about homosexuality. I definitely didn’t mention treating anybody poorly, either.”
Unfortunately, Christ’s message has been lost today, and men like Phelps have replaced his vision.
“Fred Phelps was an inspiration to all God-fearing men. He single-handedly proved the moral legitimacy of monogamous heterosexual marriages over alternative lifestyles,” adulterer and wife beater Gary Broak said. “I’ve loved my wife since we met when we were 13. We met through family. She’s my uncle’s daughter.”
Some of Phelps’ most loyal followers had things to say in response to his passing.
Justin James is an illiterate 78-year-old man who has been attending the church’s protests since Phelps became an associate pastor in 1954.
Scientists claim one can tell how many teeth he has by taking his age, dividing it by two and multiplying that number by zero.
“Idungetitalldemhomosnsinners,” Justin James said between chewing tobacco and producing buckets of saliva in between syllables while holding up a sign that read “God Hates Figs Mark 11:12-14.”
Phelps’ death didn’t have an impact on just church members. His passing also saddened local Topeka residents.
“I’m not even a Christian, and I love the Westboro Baptist Church,” said Richard Katz, owner of Topeka Target Copy. “They purchase up to 300 signs for a single protest — with color ink, too.”
“I loved that man more than life itself,” the 4-foot-7-inch transsexual Mexican man Manny Nuñez said. “We spent so many wonderful evenings together, walking on the beach, drinking red wine and cuddling on the couch watching romantic comedies.”
Margie Simms, Phelps’ wife, refused to comment on Nuñez’s statements, just as she ignored her husband’s relationship with Nuñez for the last 63 years.
[Zachary Lee is a satirist and UF philosophy freshman. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 3/26/2014 under the headline "Westboro member Fred Phelps mourned"]
