L
iterally everything changed after President Barack Obama signed the landmark bill that allows homosexuals all over the nation to get married and claim the same rights as heterosexuals.
“This is an outrage, and I’m seriously disappointed in President Obama’s administration for allowing such a heinous and immoral act to be seen as ‘OK’ in our society,” a park bench said. “I mean, how am I supposed to explain to my kid that there are two gay people holding hands while they sit on my face? And what’s next? Now the government has to let people marry animals, if they so choose!”
Seamus, gay rights activist and local goat breeder (if you know what I mean), is totally OK with this.
“About time, laddies. I’ve been waiting fer’ this moment fer’ a long time now,” Seamus said as he dragged a goat to his local chapel. “Debbie and I have been dating since I was a wee lad and she a wee billy. Right, baby?”
Debbie declined to comment. However, not everyone is as enthusiastic about the new law as Seamus and Debbie. Religious members of the community are struggling with the concept. Samantha Smith, a leader of her local church, had a different opinion.
“Any reading of the Bible says that this is against the word of God. Any political acceptance of it will simply bring about the judgment of God faster. Acceptance represents a denial of what we as a Christian nation believe in, and nobody should try to force it upon us,” Smith said. “Oh crap,” she continued. “This was my speech on segregation from the ‘60s. My bad.”
Like-minded Republican politicians are already proposing laws in their respective states that would invalidate marriages among homosexual couples.
Some states are pleased by the new bill, though, and are widely accepting of its provisions.
The citizens of LeatherAsslessChapsville, formerly known as San Francisco, were seen celebrating in the streets when Obama signed the bill.
“This is the greatest news I’ve heard since ABBA decided to go back to have a reunion tour,” said homosexual citizen Stan Darsh.
Behind him, cars burned, babies cried and heterosexual marriages spontaneously combusted. All remnants of the city’s society seemed to disappear in the hours just after the bill’s passing, and multiple citizens reported cases of noise pollution as celebrators blared “Mamma Mia” over loudspeakers
Zachary Lee is a satirist and UF philosophy sophomore.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 9/12/2014 under the headline "Same-sex marriage bill leads to oblivion "]
