Greetings and salutations friends! Today we stand upon the precipice of a new day, a glorious beginning, and the furious onset of an all new, never-before-seen edition of…Darts and Laurels.
Let us first get rid of the unpleasant and incompetent so we can end the matter on a high note, and by unpleasant and incompetent, I’m referring to an Albuquerque 911 dispatcher who abruptly hung up on 17-year-old Esperanza Quintero while she attempted to perform CPR on her dying friend.
Granted, Matthew Sanchez, the dispatcher in question, had already contacted the appropriate authorities en route and Quintero’s friend would’ve likely perished whether or not Sanchez had cut communications.
But here’s a line of dialogue you should never say to a girl desperately trying to pump life into her dying friend:
“OK, you know what ma’am? You could deal with it yourself. I’m not gonna deal with this OK?”
We understand working as a dispatcher is stressful, but Sanchez, you get a dart for being a heartless ass.
Next up, a Florida man by the name of Michael Lee Roberts was arrested after doing doughnuts on a jail lawn with a car.
For those of you who don’t know what a doughnut is, it’s when you spin around in circles with your motor vehicle.
The details are unclear about his intentions, but he rear-ended a bench and ran into a flag pole before he was swarmed by the incredulous officers who watched this happen.
This is the kind of unfathomable stupidity we award darts for.
We at The Alligator are very opposed to the mistreatment of children, a sentiment that we’d like to think most people in the world share with us.
However, we’re sad to say that the sentiment isn’t universally shared, which is why we learn about stories like how 15-year-old Adrian Gonzalez kidnapped, assaulted, killed and then dumped the body of an 8-year-old girl.
You’re a horrible person Gonzalez, and you’re fully deserving of the judge’s choice to have you tried as an adult and the deliverance of this follow-up dart from us for being filth.
On a more positive note, want to know what’s awesome? We can now transplant hands.
A Baltimore boy by the name of Zion Harvey holds the distinction of being the first to receive a double hand transplant, as in they slapped a new pair of hands on his stumps where his old hands were.
Ain’t it neat?
‘Cause the ability to just fix amputations is pretty damn neat.
Science for the win. You get a Laurel.
This scientific advance alone puts us forward in fixing like, all the world’s woes.
Maybe it’s a small step, but a step nonetheless.
Also, Windows 10 just came out, and it’s actually designed for a computer and not a phone.
That statement alone deserves a laurel because learning how to use Windows 8 was just plain annoying.
We at the Alligator tend to use a healthy mix of both Apple products and PCs, but damn was Windows 8 just plain unapproachable.
We’ll welcome this new piece of tech because we’re sure you’re all looking forward to it.
We’ll give Microsoft a laurel for use of friendliness.
[A version of this story ran on page 6 on 7/30/15]
