The toilet flushes, sending miniature droplets flying toward my face. Typically the distance between one’s face and the seat of a public toilet would suggest some sort of hazing, but hazing is against the rules here at UF so that means it doesn’t happen (aside from that one dude who almost died last Spring).
No, this isn’t some weird kink, either; I was just trying to get into the optimal position to extract toilet paper for study from the dispenser without any potential damage to its structural integrity. Oh sweet, sweet two-ply, come to daddy.
When I first heard about this Student Government two-ply toilet paper project in the Spring, I was a bit confused. Both buildings where I work already had two-ply toilet paper. So did the Reitz Union.
But SG isn’t really great at this whole facts thing, so they put out a graphic saying “toilet paper upgrade to two-ply” and listed Reitz as one of the locations receiving “premium toilet paper.” To their credit, I suppose for Library West and Marston, it might have been an upgrade. But clearly there was some investigating to do in the Reitz.
I gathered a sample of this new premium two-ply as well as a sample of the old two-ply. I took great effort to keep the two-ply in the best condition I could, so I could further study it in the comfort of my home.
I wasn’t impressed. The only real difference is that the new two-ply has a little bit of of dimpling going on (and maybe some black flecks). The texture is visible and can be felt with one’s finger but it is honestly not that discernible on one’s bottom.
And, yes, I am typing this column on my phone in a bathroom stall having recently tested out the two toilet papers for myself. This is my lived experience. Oh, the things I do in the line of public service…
So what’s the verdict? It sure ain’t Charmin Ultra Soft. I rate this new toilet paper as underwhelming as some of the people in SG.
But there indeed is a silver lining:
I talked to the Reitz about this, and they hit me up with some of that good knowledge. They confirmed that they had already been providing two-ply in the restrooms, so there’s that. They also revealed that it was actually slightly cheaper to use this new brand of two-ply, saving $300 a year (which almost makes me feel better about the $68,000 it cost to upgrade the two-ply at West and Marston).
Also of note, they found the new two-ply equally as soft as the old two-ply (my butt agrees), but finally, and most importantly, they noted that this new two-ply is Green Seal certified, meaning that it is comprised of 100 percent recycled content and at least 50 percent post-consumer material. This I actually appreciate.
I think the graphic misses the mark again, however, with its statement that “it’s better for the environment when you use less toilet paper” because, in the Reitz, we went from two-ply to just-as-soft two-ply; ostensibly, we are using the same amount of toilet paper (albeit toilet paper made of better materials so perhaps this statement can be argued at the carbon footprint level).
The libraries, on the other hand, appear to really have upgraded from one-ply to two-ply, so does that really mean we are using less toilet paper? I don’t think so, and SG needs to cite some peer-reviewed academic sources in order to convince me. Otherwise, I defer to the Toilet Paper Encyclopedia, which says that people generally use the same amount of sheets regardless of ply.
If we wanted to make the truly responsible decision, both environmentally and fiscally, in the context of the libraries, we would have just switched to an eco-friendly one-ply. Instead, we are flushing $68,000 dollars down the toilet.
Zachariah Chou is a UF political science junior and Murphree Area Senator. His column focuses on Student Government.
