There’s nothing quite like Homecoming week at the University of Florida — as long as you exclude all the Homecoming weeks at other colleges. But one thing UF has going for it this weekend is a premier college football matchup between the Gators, who feel like they can conquer the world after beating Vanderbilt, and a team that almost knocked off Troy last weekend. The LSU Tigers come into Gainesville looking to find the win column for the first time since beating Syracuse two weeks ago. But while LSU had little trouble taking down the Orange, we’ll find out Saturday if they can beat the Orange and Blue.
Gators cornerback Duke Dawson got the rivalry week off to a controversial start when he bashed the Tigers on their mascot, admissions process, fan base and said that the school’s colors of purple and yellow match a little girl’s doll house.
Just kidding, when asked about the rivalry, Dawson said:
“Ya’ll know I don’t get caught up in all that.”
Well, so much for a piping hot hype-fest. At least real football fans will get to watch a game with real stakes on Friday. An all-or-nothing slugfest that will test two powerhouses. We’re talking, of course, about the matchup between the Fitchburg State Falcons and Framingham State Rams. As part 39 of our 53-part series on the two teams, Alligator writers Dylan Dixon and Matt Brannon are going to break down their picks for the game below:
Fitchburg State wins because …
After many dedicated years of following this team, I’ve officially started calling them the Filthburg State Falcons because boy do they know how to play dirty.
Quarterback Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon was ejected from every game he played in last season, and defensive tackle Sequester Grundelplith M.D. recently received a lifetime ban from Division III football. These guys don’t play by the rules, and I love it.
That level of tenacity will be huge this weekend when they host Framingham State. Expect the Falcons to blow out the Rams 56-0 and accrue at least 30 unsportsmanlike penalties along the way. Believe me, it’ll happen.
Framingham State wins because …
The Rams are so good that they will not only demolish the Falcons on Saturday, they will establish a 10,000-year reign of terror, crushing their enemies with the weight of the world’s suffering. With solid offensive line play, Framingham State should have little trouble harnessing the souls of the wicked to split the earth in half, unleash an unholy army of dementors and feast on the life force of Fitchburg State’s fan base. If all that fails, the Rams also have an actual 250-pound kicker.
Now, onto our competitors!
In first place with a 23-16 record is 247Sports’ Thomas “Weatherman” Goldkamp, who appointed himself official Gators hurricane watcher and devoted all of his time to retweeting weather services. Thomas even went so far as to ask Florida coach Jim McElwain if he’d heard about Hurricane Nate, which as of Thursday is expected to miss Gainesville by about one million miles.
Next up with a 22-17 record is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “no such thing as too young” Hall, who while on the recruiting beat, began scouting out elementary school P.E. classes just to get an edge on his competition. “Does it sound weird? Sure,” Graham said. “But I’m the only guy in town who knows how talented Mrs. Maguire’s third grade class looks this year.”
Following Graham with a 21-18 record is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “you can’t live past 65 living on heroin and cigarettes” Thompson, who hopefully isn’t speaking from experience. That little nugget of life advice came moments after discussing his dream foursome comprised of himself, Phil Mickelson, Jordan Spieth and some smooth jazz.
Also at 21-18 is the Alligator’s Ethan “why won’t he call me back?” Bauer, who was left hanging by multiple coaches, parents and pastors when he was requesting interviews for a story this week. Ethan left 12 voicemails on the phone of Matt Thompson, UF running back Malik Davis’ high school coach, and never got an answer. An hour later, Thompson called the Alligator and asked if we could tell Ethan to stop.
The final competitor tied for third at 21-18 is Gator Country’s Nick “Just for men” de la Torre, who has recently been sporting a beard so gray it looks like a suburban driveway. Despite Nick appearing to be relatively young (somewhere between 24 and 46 years old), his dusty cheek-warmer that looks more gray than an elephant’s armpit. Let’s just hope it smells better.
Now, in a tie for last at 18-21 is the Alligator’s Dylan “Wow, that looks really bad“ Dixon, who royally pissed off an Alligator page designer on Thursday. After the designer spent 30 minutes meticulously crafting a graphic for the sports page, Dylan immediately began riffing about how awkward and unbalanced it looked. Have some awareness Dylan, we would never say anything like that about your stories or outfits or life choices, no matter how hopeless they seem.
Also slated in dead last at 18-21 is the Alligator’s Ian “that was so atrocious I almost vomited” Cohen, which is exactly what his public speaking professor told him this week after he performed a demonstration speech on how to make cobb salad. Ian’s presentation was so boring and unsightly it put several of his audience members into a coma. They were the lucky ones. Those who managed to hold on to their consciousness were subjected to 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated hell. The Alligator sincerely sends its condolences to the students of SPC2608.
Finally, at 18-21 – but definitely the worst of them all – is the Alligator’s Matt “you are what you eat” Brannon, whose skin has recently developed a crispy, golden brown coating due to the exorbitant amount of Bojangles fried chicken he consumes on a daily basis. Seriously Matt, we’re worried about you. Screaming cock-a-doodle-doo at the top of your lungs in the middle of a Jim McElwain press conference is not professional, and shouting at Tyrie Cleveland to give you rooster feed is just plain alarming. Get it together.