What a week it’s been for the Florida Gators.
Luke Del Rio was tabbed UF’s new starting quarterback on Monday after leading the team to a comeback victory over Kentucky.
CeCe Jefferson was named SEC Defensive Player of the Week following his 1.5-sack performance against the Wildcats.
Oh yeah, and Kadeem Telfort really, really likes junk food, according to University Police.
Telfort, a freshman offensive lineman from Miami, was one of nine Gators to receive recommended third-degree felonies from UPD on Monday after the group made a series of transactions using stolen credit card information, according to a sworn complaint.
Most of the players bought MacBook Pros, iPads and Beats headphones. But Telfort had his eyes set on much, much more.
Police say the 318-pounder placed numerous orders to a local food delivery site, 352delivery.com, and purchased everything from the sweet deliciousness of Gummi Worms and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to the salty scrumptiousness of Chester’s Hot Fries and Funyuns.
Clearly he had his priorities straight.
But, with Telfort’s sworn complaint coming to light this week, a very important question needs to be answered. Which snack should you order from 352delivery.com using stolen credit card information: Chester’s Hot Fries or Gummi Worms?
Assistant sports editor Dylan Dixon and sports writer Ian Cohen debate the hot topic here.
You should order Chester's Hot Fries because...
Who doesn't love the tantalizing sensation of flaming hot cornmeal plastering their tongue with artificial flavors and food additives?
Absolutely nobody. It's f------ delightful.
Chester's Hot Fries are the quintessential snack for any person on any occasion, anywhere, at any time.
If I had a dollar for every time I said to myself, 'Wow, I could really go for some Chester's Hot Fries right now," I'd have $1,667, which, coincidentally, is the amount of money Kadeem Telfort spent this summer using stolen credit card information, according to police.
What are the odds? It's simply meant to be.
You can't go wrong with its delectableness. You can't go wrong with its palatability. You can't go wrong, period.
Chester's Hot Fries is the ultimate snack. Trust me. You know it's the truth.
You should order Gummi Worms because...
Pssst. You there. Listen up. Wanna get rich? I’ve got a plan.
Gummi Worms were recently banned from the vending machines in all schools across Victoria, British Columbia. Apparently they’re choking hazards to small children or something like that. Whatever.
Here in America, we eat our Gummi Worms when we want, how we want. No government bans. No big brother telling us what we can’t stuff down our throats. Chewy, gelatin-based, color-dyed sugary snacks are in our blood. ‘Murica.
But this is where the money comes in. You, me and 10,000 pounds of 100-percent fresh All-American Gummi Worms stuffed in the trunk of our car will cross over the Canadian border. We’ll sell our product to grade-school children fiending for pure Gummi Worms all across Victoria. We’ll be the only suppliers in the city. We’ll be rich.
And that’s why Gummi Worm’s are better than Chester’s Hot Fries.
Now, onto our competitors!
In first place with a 18-13 record sits Orlando Sentinel writer Edgar "this sh-t is serious" Thompson, who argued that everyone's picks should be kept secret until the column comes out on Fridays. Edgar was worried people might cheat off him and just choose his picks because he's so smart. But apparently not smart enough to just send in his picks after everyone else.
Tied for first is 247Sports writer Thomas "I love the way it hurts" Goldkamp, who was mocked by Gators coach Jim McElwain for his obsession with injury reports. McElwain even said he'll laminate one for Thomas and send it as a birthday gift. The joke here is that anyone important would remember his birthday.
In third place at 17-14 is alligatorSports writer Ethan "snapchat awareness of a grandma" Bauer, who likes to send people snapchats of just his face looking into the camera. The first time I thought it was an accident, but I guess that's how he thinks humans communicate.
Up next at 16-15 is Gainesville Sun writer Graham "you know who you are" Hall, who induced an ominous email from Edgar when he forgot to transcribe what was the only interesting quote from an otherwise pointless interview. You had one job, Graham.
Tied with Graham is GatorCountry writer Nick "Fight me IRL" de la Torre, who threatened to throw down with a 7-year-old on Twitter this week. It's unclear whether Nick's hate comes from being called out for bad tweets, or just lashing from consistently poor performances in the picks column.
Then with a 14-17 record comes alligatorSports editor Matt "I'm infatuated with clowns" Brannon, which is exactly what he texted a colleague this week moments before walking into a theater to watch "It" with his girlfriend.
Next, with a 12-19 record is Dylan "I'm why health insurance exists" Dixon, who after falling ill Wednesday, had another issue Thursday when he had to skip class to see a dentist. Geez, Dylan, I wonder if it has anything to do with a diet exclusively made up of Hot Fries?
And in last place for the fourth week in a row with a 11-20 record is alligatorSports writer Ian "I'm terrified of using the Alligator men's bathroom" Cohen, who's scared to go potty in the Alligator restroom because the door handle is a little wobbly, just like his confidence.