Site: Tiger Stadium (cap: 102,321)
Kickoff: 1 p.m. Saturday
TV/Radio: SEC Network/Gators IMG Sports Network
Finally.
After a month of hostility, passive-aggressive banter between both school’s athletic directors and some chirping from Florida’s and LSU’s players, the Gators and the Tigers will play football this Saturday (fingers crossed).
With several weeks of bad feelings surrounding both school’s programs, this year’s UF-LSU rivalry looks to be more heated than usual. It came to a tipping point earlier this week when LSU defensive end Arden Key said that Florida is “scared” to travel to LSU to play.
While several Florida players denied being scared, we here at alligatorSports are comfortable in admitting our worst fears, and we’d like to share them with you, the reader, in hopes that we can all create a more open, loving and friendly environment around a sport in which 300-pound men ram into each other over and over again for our enjoyment.
Debating this week’s matchup between watching a horror film and watching a comedy are sports editor Ian Cohen and assistant sports editor Ethan Bauer.
Horror films win because…
Do you remember the first true horror film you ever watched?
Of course you do. Everyone does.
Granted, you were just seven years old, flipping through channels late at night while your parents were in bed, leaving you unable to sleep right for the next five and a half months until you were forced to see a fear therapist throughout grade school.
The point is, you remember it. Isn’t that worth something?
-Ian
Comedies win because…
One of my favorite movies ever is Anchorman 2, a film categorized as a comedy but, in my mind, one that also qualifies as horror in its own way.
While the film generally goes after cheap laughs and features a questionable plot at best, it also mocks the click-baiting, car-chasing, animal-discussing cable news industry in a way that’s horrifying because it’s, to quote Anchorman sportscaster Champ Kind, “so dang true.”
So why pick just horror when you can pick both?
-Ethan Bauer
Now, onto the picks!
In first place with a 45-41-2 record is sports writer Ian “Wings of Death” Cohen, who is deathly afraid of butterflies. Earlier this semster, he even likened them to flying grasshoppers with weird-looking noses. But don't worry, Ian, the car windshield should keep you safe from those fluttering terrors on the way to Baton Rouge.
In second place with a 43-43-2 record is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “Lance Armstrong" Hall, who is afraid of going out of shape but is too lazy to actively do anything about it, except for the one bike ride a week he takes when he travels to football media. (Except for this Wednesday, when he took the easy way out and drove his car, but we won’t mention that.)
In third place with a 40-45-1 record is sports writer Ethan “Mr. Nice Tie” Bauer. Ever wonder what Ethan’s worst fear is? That’s easy: It’s opening up his closet and not seeing a freshly pressed tie to wear to class on a Wednesday morning. It makes him shudder just thinking about it.
In fourth place with a record of 39-46-2 record is sports writer Patrick “Baseball is life” Pinak. Most people need food, water and oxygen to survive. And that makes sense — they’re three of the most essential nutrients needed to sustain life on Earth. Patrick just needs baseball and a captive audience to retell the story about the time he almost hit a home run in high school. If he doesn’t have both, his entire world crumbles.
In fifth place with a record of 38-47-2 is GatorCountry.com’s Nick “Small Guy” De La Torre, whose worst fear was triggered even while reading that nickname. Nick’s fear? Missing leg day. Gotta stay jacked for climbing up and down those stadium steps.
We have a tie for sixth place with records of 37-48-2.
First is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Should I get a toupee” Thompson, whose worst fear is undoubtedly going bald. I hear stores nationwide are having a discount on all wigs all through November in honor of Donald Trump being elected as the next president. I’d get on that if I were you, Edgar.
Next is 247sports.com’s Thomas “What, no Injuries?!?“ Goldkamp, who wakes up in a cold sweat from his worst nightmare every night: being late to a Jim McElwain press conference and missing out on which players were injured during practice that week.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 34-51-2 is sports writer Jordan “Stat Heaven” McPherson, who lives in constant fear of accidentally writing a story without a statistic. It's OK, Jordan. All of your stats are safe and sound.
