Columnists’ note: Hey, T.I., I know you’re coming tomorrow for Gator Growl, and you insist on "no mediocre" and that you "don’t want no mediocre."
But guess what? You don’t control me. Mediocre Advice is a movement, and you can expect a STRONGLY WORDED EMAIL from me imminently.
- S. Moskovitz
Dear Mediocre Advice,
What do I do when there are multiple girls I’m putting in work with at the same place (FLA/GA)?
- Jason
Girls know everything. Even if you ditch one of them to go to "the interview" you made up, they’ll know you’re bailing.
Seriously, you can be as savage as Alien from "Spring Breakers" and as duplicitous as the Green Goblin, but your girls will always know what you’re up to. This is why you need to do the last thing these girls expect — no, don’t tell them you’re gay like Scott Smith from "Milk" — introduce them to each other.
Each girl will think she’s the one and you’re proving to her that the other girl isn’t competition. However, if they find out about each other, you have 127 hours to choose one of them. If you keep playing them, I can assure you that this is the end for your ass, and you’ll be left sitting on the couch being a flyboy, getting high, smoking on that pineapple express watching "Freaks and Geeks."
You may be able to win one of them back saying you’ll be the Tristan to her Isolde, but send that text to both girls and their friends will be going more crazy on you than the primates from "Planet of the Apes."
Or just tell them you’re James Franco. That’s what I do and it works every time. True story.
What do I do if my pet rock cannot find a soul mate?
- Anonymous
Is your rock a boy rock or a girl rock? See, it’s funny because if it’s a boy rock trying to find a girl rock then he doesn’t need to look far. That’s because if there’s anything I’ve found searching for love, it’s that girls are like rocks: They’re cold, they hurt when they hit you in the head, they ruin shoes daily and everybody yells at you when you throw them.
How early is too early in the semester to start having "extracurricular relations" with my RA? I really just want to ride his RTS.
- Anonymous
Oh baby… I’m sure your RA has already ridden the 120 all up and down Fraternity Row, if ya know what I’m sayin’. Sorry ‘bout that. I couldn’t resist. But it’s never too early to start making moves on your RA. Why? Well, you have to operate under a few presuppositions.
The first, is that he’s an RA and probably doesn’t have any friends because he still lives in a dorm. The second, is that he’s an RA and probably doesn’t have any friends because he still lives in a dorm.
Like most people with lonesome lives, RAs crave intimacy and adventure. That’s where you come in.
Tell them to pack up their drawstring backpack, put on their nicest IRHA shirt and get ready to go for a ride. That’s right, because you guys are about to take the 34 allllll the wayyyyyy… to Lexington Crossing.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays. If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
