w4w

If there is a w4w posting you have hit a rare gem of a personal ad. The elusive w4w posting is rare because lesbians don’t care nearly as much about the Internet as straight guys do (for porn), straight women do (for Pinterest) or gay guys do (for porn and Craigslist missed connections). Now take a shot like a man.

igreejus grumaticuhl airers.

Depending on your own grammatical skill level, take a sip for bad punctuation, take two sips if there is an improper use of “their” that they’re using. Take a shot for every spelling error, whether it is “Micdonald’s,” or “goodby” or an uncommonly misspelled four-letter word.

The Clichés

We’re trying to get drunk here, so if you see any of the following, you drink:

“I’d really like to get to know you better.”

No they don’t. They want to rape you with hugs or maybe rape you for real. Either way, it’s probably not your personality they want to familiarize themselves with.

“I think there was sexual tension between us.”

Yes, there probably was tension but it was not sexual, just regular tension — the awkward kind.

“We kept making eye contact.”

Of course you made eye contact. The poster of this ad was staring you down for, like, an hour from across the library, hoping they wouldn’t have to resort to the Internet to find true love.

“I never do this but…”

But you ARE doing this. ZING.

“You were weighing two melons in the produce section…”

If the missed connection occurred at a supermarket, you drink. I don’t know what it is about brightly lit spaces where people buy anything from cucumbers to turkey basters, but it seems to get everyone horny, because there is an inordinate amount of missed connections that take place here.

“Missin’ you”

Drink if the title of the ad has anything to do with missing somebody, but DO NOT READ IT. They are sappy, pathetic and awful, and because you should be drunk by now, you might cry. We can’t have that now.