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Monday, April 22, 2024

If all news is bad and no news is fake, then wouldn't that make all fake news good? I don't see why not.

And so, I bring you good, fake news: a week in review.

But first, let me remind you about an important federal holiday. Today is Columbus Day, a time when Native Americans everywhere proudly celebrate the heritage of Italian Americans.

In Washington, D.C., on Wednesday, President Bush vetoed a bill that would have given health care to 4 million uninsured children. It would have been financed by increasing the federal tax on tobacco.

To quiet his critics, the president encouraged legislation that would give health care to millions of smokers by taxing children's allowances. The program is tentatively called "No Child Left."

Elsewhere, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig will still be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame next week, despite pleading guilty to disorderly conduct after an airport bathroom sex sting in June.

Others to be inducted into the hall of fame include the person who pioneered the "I-da-ho, no, you-da-ho" joke, as well as someone else who should totally not be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame.

In international news, the leaders of North Korea and South Korea announced Thursday that they will seek to formally end the war between their countries, which has been going on since the 1950s. A few days earlier, North Korea agreed to disable its nuclear weapons facilities under the guidance of the United States.

In a related story, Tommy Chong was outed Friday as a CIA operative working in East Asia.

Now, news from the entertainment industry: A 30-year-old, single mother from Minnesota was ordered by a federal jury Thursday to pay six record companies a total of ,220,000 for copyright infringement in a landmark case for the recording industry.

In addition, the jury ordered her to pay ,10 million in punitive damages, citing "the defendant's embarrassingly poor taste in music."

Among the songs cited in the case was Destiny's Child's "Bills, Bills, Bills."

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The song's lyrics include, "Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo'bills?"

However, at no time is the question asked, "Can you pay my legal fees? I have no money - please, please."

In other news, critically acclaimed actress Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon on Saturday night in Las Vegas. Salomon is best known for making a sex tape with Paris Hilton, who is also a critically acclaimed actress.

Anderson said, "With Rick's cinematography and my acting, we're going to blow the competition [away]."

And now for what's happening at UF: In what was one of the biggest surprises in recent Student Government history, the blue T-shirt party failed to win all 45 Student Senate seats it slated for during last week's election, settling for a disappointing 44 seats.

Students from the blue T-shirt party protested the results Thursday and Friday, claiming voter fraud and demanding an investigation.

Lastly, in sports, the UF football team lost Saturday for the second consecutive week, even with Gators safety and ex-team captain Tony Joiner on the field. The Gators are now 4-2 overall and 2-2 in the Southeastern Conference.

They came so close, and they thought they could get away with it.

But it wasn't like stealing your girlfriend's car from a towing lot.

Vincent Massaro is a senior majoring in journalism. His column appears on Mondays.

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