Two weeks ago, I was watching TV with some buddies when I discovered something disturbing â€" an uncommon occurrence on TV, for sure.
Anyhow, I had stumbled upon a new G4 program called "Hurl!" As you can probably deduce, the reality show puts participants through nauseating activities until they're on the Giant Swing, spewing their last meal across half of the county fair's crowd.
I've seen enough of my own alcohol-induced hurling during my time at UF ¾ sorry, Bernie ¾ so I wasn't about to watch an entire program dedicated to the subject. Besides, it only took a glimpse of "Hurl!" to bolster my belief that American culture is headed in the right direction.
I flipped the channel again and found an advertisement for a mortgage company. As it turns out, "Hurl!" would not be the most depressing TV experience of my day.
The mortgage ad consisted of a news broadcast about the hard economic times and the increasing amount of home foreclosures. With this company's help, the sultry reporter promised, anybody can get out of financial trouble.
At first, I was simply amused by the poor production value ¾ without comic intent, the newsroom set resembled that of "Anchorman" ¾ and the astounding gall required by shady lenders to take further advantage of a problem that was largely the fault of shady lending.
Besides, who would possibly be stupid enough to fall for such an idiotic commercial? But then I paused: Wouldn't businesses generally try to avoid forking out a stupid amount of money for a 30-second TV spot without good cause?
Based on the commercials I've seen, advertisers believe two things: Most Americans are too stupid to have information delivered to them by any means other than a sledgehammer to the face, and most Americans would think about sex 400 times by the time they finished reading this sentence. There must be some reason why advertisers treat the American public like a bunch of sex-crazed fifth-graders (the kind that have been held back twice already).
For instance, take the Gillette body wash ad that followed the informative breaking news segment. In it, a showering man's body is slowly covered in an awesome bluish-silver liquid after using Gillette body wash.
After actually suggesting their product will turn you into one of the X-Men, Gillette's ad goes on to show Mr. Confidence burst into a meeting room at work - he practically kicks the door down in a fit of manly self-awareness â€" and then eye-love the hell out of his hot female co-worker. The spot ends with their eyes locked, but one can extrapolate that Mr. Confidence then sealed a company-saving deal, kicked his boss in the balls and took his newfound lady home for some afternoon delight.
If only it were that easy. I use Gillette shaving cream, and the only female attention I ever get is "you missed a spot shaving" or "you cut yourself shaving." But I know somewhere out there, some poor fool is rushing to Wal-Mart's personal hygiene aisle in a sad attempt to become a radioactive, womanizing mutant.
I guess in the end, advertising only bothers me because it wouldn't be in its current state if it didn't work. Advertising bothers me because too often, it is an accurate reflection of our society.
But what can you do? I for one am going to grab my Apple iPod, put on my Asics running shoes, drink some Gatorade Tiger Red Drive and go for a relaxing run to lower my blood pressure. At least I can take solace in the fact that I am above the influence of advertising.
