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Tuesday, March 21, 2023

It’s a quiet November afternoon. The air is crisp, the sun is going down, and you’re sitting on your porch drinking some iced tea while reading The Independent Florida Alligator. You’re about to flip the page and make it to the Opinions Section when Lassie, the neighbor’s son’s dog, comes running up and starts barking at you. “What’s that, Lassie?” you ask while standing up, clutching the paper. Lassie continues to bark. “Timmy fell down the well?!” you exclaim, “that’s the third time this month, right?” Lassie barks quickly, confirming your suspicion of Timmy’s predictable recklessness. Hurriedly, you run over to the well, paper in hand. “Help, Mister! I can’t swim!” you hear him gurgle while he splashes about within a manageable arms reach. “Yeah, sucks to suck, Lassie. I’m about to hit page six of The Alligator, and not even your bloodcurdling cries for help can stop me from reading my favorite Alligator feature…

Darts an Laurels.”

Another week comes to a close here in Gainesville, dear reader. A lot has gone on in this week too. Remember Dr. Ben Carson? Apparently Dr. Carson turned down a job offer as secretary of Health and Human Serivces in Trump’s administration. Why? According to Dr. Carson’s business manager and close friend Armstrong Williams, “Dr. Carson feels he has no government experience.” We can’t help but remember that time several months ago where Carson actually ran for President against Trump. Seriously, Dr. Carson, what happened in the last few months that you finally realized being a neurosurgeon in no way qualifies you to hold public office? We give a laurel to you, Dr. Carson, for finally coming to your senses.

Staying in the realm of politics, we’re sure you’ve all heard by now how Trump’s administration is planning on creating a Muslim registry. In terms of legally instituting this, Carl Higbie went on Fox News and said that the Japanese internment camps set a “precedent” for such a policy. We give a dart to Carl Higbie for his bad logic (internment camps are not registries, try again) and desire to oppress Americans and their family members.

Closer to home, our Alligator cartoonist Michael Smith illustrated a cartoon with a catch earlier this week. In the comic, one of the characters mentions that if a special symbol appears in a panel, the owner of that paper (in Willy Wonka fashion) will win a prize. The joke was that every single copy of the paper had this special symbol in it. We give a dart to Michael for deceiving our readership, a laurel to those of you not gullible enough to fall for it, and a hug to the interns that were forced to take the calls of readers thinking they’ve won something.

Recently, the Alligator newsroom got in a pretty dicey debate over our lovable furry friends. A schism has been formed amongst our staff, separating the dog people from the cat people. After much deliberation, this Editorial Board has decided to give a laurel to dogs for providing unconditional love. In terms of cats, we really don’t believe they’re actually domesticated animals. Humankind let them hang around as we evolved because they kill smaller and more annoying animals. So, we lob a dart at cats, because we know that they would actually kill us if they were capable of it.

Given this is our last Darts and Laurels before Thanksgiving, we feel it necessary to acknowledge the sometimes stressful family gatherings many of us are soon going to have to participate in. We give a dart to all those family members who ask us what we’re planning to do after college, and a laurel to that cool Uncle for taking us away from the family for a few minutes to go smoke a joint in the garage.

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