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Saturday, February 24, 2024

It’s 3:07 a.m. 

You’ve been binge watching “Diagnosis” on Netflix and are convinced that you, too, have a rare, baffling medical condition that requires a crowd-sourced diagnosis. You reach over to your backpack and pull out a notebook, ignoring the debris that spills out onto the floor. 

You grab a pen and start listing all your symptoms: 1) Trouble falling asleep; 2) drowsiness in the morning. You pause to sip from your XL Polar Pop and then continue: 3) Weight gain; 4) bloating. Another sip, and you grab the bag of Hot Fries next to your pillow. You pour the last few crumbs in your mouth and frown. That was supposed to be your breakfast. You shrug, and decide to Google your symptoms. 

You type your list into your iPhone and the top result is from WebMD. You click on it and start reading possible diagnoses. The first is cancer. The second is... 


Whatever you do this week, do it with as much dedication, energy and excellence as Amber Galloway Gallego puts into her job as a sign language interpreter. Twista is arguably the fastest rapper on Earth, but Gallego had no problem keeping up with him. A laurel goes to her for her work ethic and the incredible job she did supporting the inclusion and accessibility of Twista’s concert.

In other music news, Billie Eilish’s song “bad guy” knocked Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” from the No. 1 Billboard spot. A laurel goes to her for her phenomenal song and for the distinction of being the first artist born after Y2K to get the No. 1 spot. We would give her a dart for accomplishing so much at 17 and dampening the glory of our own crowning achievement at that age, namely winning a blue ribbon in the local 4-H bake off, but we aren’t that petty.

Someone who isn’t above being petty is President Donald Trump. A laurel goes to Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen of Denmark for earning membership to the growing club of “nasty women” who refuse to kowtow to Trump. When she refused Trump’s offer to buy the very not-for-sale Greenland, Trump canceled his trip to Denmark and labeled the prime minister “nasty,” his favorite epithet for any woman that doesn’t indulge him.

We’d give Trump a dart for the diplomatic mess he’s made, but if we gave him a dart for every reprehensible deed there wouldn’t be room in the paper for anything else. In a Tweet on Wednesday, Trump quoted Wayne Allyn Root’s claim that Jewish Israelis love Trump as if he were “the King of Israel” and “the second coming of God.” Trump expressed gratitude and pleasure for the “very nice words.” All we have to say to that is “not our God.”

Finally, a dart goes to all the students arriving on the streets of Gainesville this week. Some of you never paid attention in Drivers Ed and it shows. Drivers, you have to stop and let pedestrians cross the street at crosswalks. Using your turn signal is the law, not merely a suggestion. You must yield to cars already in a roundabout before entering. Do not run stop signs. At four-way stops, it’s first-come, first-served. If you’re driving in the Butler Plaza shopping center and don’t wait for your turn at the four-way stop next to Pier 1 Imports, don’t flip us off for honking the horn. You could have killed us. 

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