DENVER — In what will go down in history as the biggest national overdose since America died of alcohol poisoning once Prohibition was lifted, the entire state of Colorado has overdosed on marijuana.

“It was an awful sight to see,” Marrie Jones said in between tears. “I walked in on my son, facedown on the couch. There was a water pipe on the table. His hand was in the Cheetos bag, and cartoons were still playing on the television.”

Low-functioning alcoholic and Drug Enforcement Administration agent Michael Jimms works to prevent accidents like this nationwide.

“Marijuana is one of the most dangerous drugs out there,” he slurred while extinguishing his ninth cigarette in a glass of bourbon. “These criminals go out there and do their drugs, act all violent and whatnot.”

Agent Jimms then finished his tenth cigarette and his bourbon, went home, beat his wife and yelled at his son for being a “damn, no good (hiccup) junkie.”

Mitchell Johnson was a Ph.D. candidate at Harvard University studying political science but was found guilty of possession, and he has since been sentenced to spend 20 years in the Bay State Correctional Center.

“They found my cannabis in my car while I was helping my charity that helps endangered pandas with cancer from inner-city areas to go to college,” said the man who would’ve been the 53rd president of the U.S. had he not gotten in trouble for having plants in his glove box. “I mean, it’s bad in here. My cellmate is a former DEA agent who got arrested for getting drunk and beating the sh*t out of his family. He’s only got seven years, though. I deserve the bigger sentence; my crime affected so many more people.”

Johnson is positive that living in the same quarters as people who killed other people will be beneficial to his development as a man and won’t cause him to leave prison as a hardened thug with serious and unevaluated psychological issues.

Despite the bodies piled up in the streets, some people are still fighting for its legalization.

“I have really bad glaucoma,” glaucoma-less Mary Jameis said, “and anxiety, too. I get super nervous when my friends and I watch ‘Cosmos’ and ‘Animal Planet’ every Sunday night. But I’ll tell you what the real crime is,” she said before rambling about how 9/11 was an inside job.

Student Matthew Jackson luckily was hospitalized before the violent effects of a marijuana overdose could take a toll on him. Jackson’s father discovered him in his room giggling at photos of cats doing “people things” on the Internet while listening to a politically insightful, post-modern reggae band you’ve probably never heard of. He smelled the marijuana, saw his son’s red eyes and immediately called an ambulance.

Dr. Afro Mann was the first to see Jackson once he reached proper medical authorities.

“He was gonna go to class,” said Mann, “but then he got high.”

He added, “La da da da da da da da da”.

[Zachary Smith is a satirist and UF philosophy freshman. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 4/7/2014 under the headline "Marijuana rips lives, families apart"]

(3) comments

Robert Chase
Robert Chase

This is inappropriate satire, because many, many people still believe the substance of the headline. This is something like the DailyCurrant's article (though more sophomoric) claiming that thirty-seven people had died of cannabis on the first day of retail sales in Colorado -- long after whatever amusement the article provided had faded, the idiot police chief of Annapolis testified before the Maryland Senate Judiciary Committee that cannabis had killed thirty-seven people in Colorado. I fully expect to hear more prohibitionists repeat that claim as true. I suggest you save this sort of humor until there are far fewer people in Florida who profit from Prohibition or have fixed beliefs in the headline's assertion. The apolitical masses (and especially younger persons) are very fond of opining that Prohibition is almost over and that all the unjust laws sustaining it will soon be a thing of the past -- how do you suppose that is going to happen, when all the laws against cannabis remain in effect and all the prohibitionists remain in power? Political awareness, political involvement, political organization, and a long, hard fight are necessary if we ever hope to prevail -- we need revolutionaries and fighters; enjoying cannabis does nothing to change the Law!

The media have trumpeted around the globe the lie that Colorado legalized cannabis; the truth is that Gov. Hack and the General Assembly reacted to the vote of the People legalizing some limited use of cannabis by adults by re-instituting all the many felonies for cannabis last summer and even increasing their maximum severity to a Class 1 felony (like premeditated murder -- see C.R.S. 18-18-406 if you don't believe me). Despite the facts that our Constitution explicitly declares that cannabis "should be regulated in a manner similar to alcohol" and that our Liquor Code contains only misdemeanors, Colorado's Establishment is determined to keep preying upon Coloradans who choose to use cannabis and to make felons of them. Outside of our overtaxed dispensary system, mostly concentrated along the Front Range, growing more than six plants or selling any cannabis remains felonious, and most of Colorado is hours away from a dispensary, medical or otherwise. Prohibition is not over; it won't really be on the way out until and unless the People start electing representatives of themselves instead of the parasites whose livelihoods depend on it!

Carlos the Plumber

Let's remember weed was legal (for personal use. 7 plants) in Alaska for 11 years before Reagan was elected and threatened to pull their highway funds if they didn't re-criminalize it. The Netherlands have had it decriminalized for that entire time since they were Reagan-free that entire time. Anyone with half a brain and/or any real experience with weed knows it's fairly benign.


I am with Robert Chase, I don't like this new faux Onion column you guys have been running lately. Not that the alligator has anything better to run but still.

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