DENVER — In what will go down in history as the biggest national overdose since America died of alcohol poisoning once Prohibition was lifted, the entire state of Colorado has overdosed on marijuana.
“It was an awful sight to see,” Marrie Jones said in between tears. “I walked in on my son, facedown on the couch. There was a water pipe on the table. His hand was in the Cheetos bag, and cartoons were still playing on the television.”
Low-functioning alcoholic and Drug Enforcement Administration agent Michael Jimms works to prevent accidents like this nationwide.
“Marijuana is one of the most dangerous drugs out there,” he slurred while extinguishing his ninth cigarette in a glass of bourbon. “These criminals go out there and do their drugs, act all violent and whatnot.”
Agent Jimms then finished his tenth cigarette and his bourbon, went home, beat his wife and yelled at his son for being a “damn, no good (hiccup) junkie.”
Mitchell Johnson was a Ph.D. candidate at Harvard University studying political science but was found guilty of possession, and he has since been sentenced to spend 20 years in the Bay State Correctional Center.
“They found my cannabis in my car while I was helping my charity that helps endangered pandas with cancer from inner-city areas to go to college,” said the man who would’ve been the 53rd president of the U.S. had he not gotten in trouble for having plants in his glove box. “I mean, it’s bad in here. My cellmate is a former DEA agent who got arrested for getting drunk and beating the sh*t out of his family. He’s only got seven years, though. I deserve the bigger sentence; my crime affected so many more people.”
Johnson is positive that living in the same quarters as people who killed other people will be beneficial to his development as a man and won’t cause him to leave prison as a hardened thug with serious and unevaluated psychological issues.
Despite the bodies piled up in the streets, some people are still fighting for its legalization.
“I have really bad glaucoma,” glaucoma-less Mary Jameis said, “and anxiety, too. I get super nervous when my friends and I watch ‘Cosmos’ and ‘Animal Planet’ every Sunday night. But I’ll tell you what the real crime is,” she said before rambling about how 9/11 was an inside job.
Student Matthew Jackson luckily was hospitalized before the violent effects of a marijuana overdose could take a toll on him. Jackson’s father discovered him in his room giggling at photos of cats doing “people things” on the Internet while listening to a politically insightful, post-modern reggae band you’ve probably never heard of. He smelled the marijuana, saw his son’s red eyes and immediately called an ambulance.
Dr. Afro Mann was the first to see Jackson once he reached proper medical authorities.
“He was gonna go to class,” said Mann, “but then he got high.”
He added, “La da da da da da da da da”.
[Zachary Smith is a satirist and UF philosophy freshman. A version of this column ran on page 7 on 4/7/2014 under the headline "Marijuana rips lives, families apart"]