Substance abuse. Parking lot fights. Port-a-potties as far as the nose can smell. No, it isn’t graduation at Florida State, it’s the Florida-Georgia game.
What was once officially named the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party — until the two universities realized they shouldn’t promote getting s***faced on a bridge — returns to Jacksonville this weekend as the Gators (3-3, 3-2 SEC) look to turn their season around against the No. 3 Bulldogs (7-0, 4-0). A loss this weekend would mathematically eliminate Florida from SEC title contention. And a win, well, nevermind. I don’t even want to get your hopes up.
Florida fans, I know you’re disappointed. You’ve been through a lot this year. Suspensions, injuries, Shrek uniforms. You’re going to be tempted to drown your sorrows in alcohol on Saturday. But please, take it easy. I can already tell that you’re planning on drinking too much.
To lighten your drinking load this weekend, I’m going to give you the rules to an anti-drinking game, that is, a drinking game designed to keep you sober. So, here are a few things I don’t expect to happen against Florida's matchup with Georgia:
Take a drink every time …
-
Receiver Brandon Powell returns a punt for more than 4 yards.
-
Quarterback Feleipe Franks throws a touchdown pass.
-
Safety Chauncey Gardner makes a clean tackle.
Take a shot every time …
-
Franks gets the offense lined up with at least 20 seconds left on the play clock.
-
The Gators defense recovers a fumble.
-
Announcers compliment coach Jim McElwain’s clock management.
Finish your drink every time …
-
Quarterback Malik Zaire takes a snap.
-
Florida gains more than 20 yards on a single play.
-
You feel happy with the direction of the team.
Chug until you can’t hear your heartbeat if …
-
Florida scores more than 17 points.
-
Georgia scores fewer than 30 points.
-
Florida wins.
So, Gators fans, keep your chin up and your glass half full. And feel free to use these drinking game rules to ensure you get a break from yelling at your TV and waking up in your the backyard covered in empty cans. This time, let Georgia fans be the ones to drink so much that they look sloppier than Florida’s play calling.
You can follow Matt Brannon on Twitter @MattB_727 or contact him at mbrannon@alligator.org.
UF coach Jim McElwain watches on during UF's Orange and Blue Debut on April 7, 2017, at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.
