The demise of Hostess would have counted Twinkies as one of the victims of a tough economy, but it would have been good riddance, right? Sugar is for the weak.
If you’re craving a cream-filled stick of cake, then you are what you crave. You don’t even have to eat the damned pastry to lose a sense of your manhood. Just imagine Will Muschamp screaming in your face: “You’re soft, punk! Boom!”
We here at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column are made of tough stuff. We’re stalks of celery and carrot sticks everybody ignores at the party. Nobody is messing with us!
At least not without some Ranch dressing for dipping.
Now onto the picks!
The Fighting Irish (-1.5) will roll, pat and mark the Trojans with a “B,” and put them in the oven for Brian Kelly and me because…
USC has been the most disappointing team in college football. Lane Kiffin was supposed to have a legitimate national title contender on his hands. You can’t judge a cake by its decorative frosting. Or the frosted tips in Matt Barkley’s hair. Notre Dame punches its ticket to Miami.
USC (+1.5) will lift the spirits of Twinkie fans against the Irish because...
Just like Hostess a week ago, these Trojans are on the brink of collapse. Lane Kiffin’s job security is about as solid as the cream filling of a Twinkie. But USC has defeated Notre Dame nine of the past 10 times and six of the past eight times in sunny Los Angeles. Grab a Twinkie before they run out, Gainesville. Celebrate another Irish choke job.
Leading off with a 58-38 record is Rivals.com’s Bryan “I’m Not Embarrassed” Holt, who refused to admit his hometown of Tampa has let him down by flat-out refusing to attend the Buccaneers’ biggest game of the season against division rival Atlanta this weekend. Tampa just won a thriller to move to 6-4, but more than 7,400 tickets remained as of press time. Hey, Holt, if a cannon fires at Raymond James but no one is there to hear it, did it really make a sound?
Ranking second at 55-41 is the Miami Herald’s Matt “It’s only two tires, bro” Watts, who actually asked a colleague for two tires off his car so Wattsy could go pick up his impounded whip, which has two flats. If Watts ever needs a kidney transplant, don’t get too close to him. He may not ask permission next time.
Sporting bronze at 53-43 is alligatorSports editor Greg “I eat quarterbacks for breakfast!” Luca, whose obsession with Jadeveon Clowney has transcended fandom. Luca constantly shoves past people at the office like they’re a bunch of helpless Xavier Nixons while bellowing primal yells. Greg, you’re a 5-foot-9 white kid. Embrace who you are, man.
In fourth with a 52-44 record is The Associated Press’ Mark “Let’s make fun of the South!” Long, who took a little too much pleasure in watching a YouTube video of some Alabama fans celebrating Oregon’s loss on Saturday. Mark, we already know you live vicariously through down-on-their-luck Southerners. Just don’t be so blatant about it, you Honey-Boo-Boo wannabe.
Kicking off the latter half of the standings at 50-46 is alligatorSports writer Josh “Matt E-llama is good at football” Jurnovoy, who still cannot pronounce the name of the Gators’ star safety after covering the team for more than three months. We would insult you further, but frankly this is just sad.
Sitting in sixth with a 49-47 record is the Palm Beach Post’s Jason “Room temperature flow” Lieser, who believes 65 degrees is just too damn cold for a run. Hey, Jason, there are these great indoor facilities people use called gymnasiums. Or you could just man up, you Twinkie.
Avoiding the cellar at 46-50 is alligatorSports assistant editor Joe “You clearly just don’t understand the politics of Valdosta” Morgan, who berated a columnist from the Valdosta Daily Times for having the audacity to suggest that something should be done to improve Valdosta State’s attendance. Nobody goes because nobody cares about Valdosta football. Grow up and get over it.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 44-52 is alligatorSports.org editor Adam Daniel Pincus, who is, uh, himself. Boom! Roasted.