Chip Kelly? Scott Frost? Dan Mullen?
Who’s it going to be?
As the 2017 regular season winds down for Florida’s football team, rumors surrounding its next head coach are spreading like wildfire.
Kelly — the former Oregon offensive guru turned NFL flameout — is reportedly the favorite to win the job, with UCF’s Frost and Mississippi State’s Mullen in the mix as well.
All three candidates have experience. All three candidates are qualified. All three candidates make sense.
But, as we all saw in last year’s presidential election, those aren’t exactly traits someone needs to possess to land a highly coveted position of power.
So f--- it.
Why is Scott Stricklin even considering these buffoons? There are lots of celebrities and public figures out there who could easily turn around UF’s football program.
Why not take them into consideration as well?
Here at alligatorSports, we’ve spent the past week vetting thousands of potential candidates, running through intense background checks and conducting in-depth interviews to find the perfect next head coach at the University of Florida.
And after all that hard work, sports editor Matt Brannon and assistant sports editor Dylan Dixon both think they’ve found their guy. The two of them will discuss that here in our latest edition of the alligatorSports Picks Column debate:
I should be Florida’s next head coach because…
Never in my life have I lost when coaching a football game. I’ve never had my players suspended in connection with credit card fraud. I’ve never mysteriously alluded to death threats in a routine news conference. I’ve never had an offense finish near the bottom of the FBS rankings. By Florida’s standards, I’m a Goddamn savior. Sure, I’ve never exactly “coached” a football game, but neither has leading candidate and current UCF coach Scott Frost, who just runs offensive practices against Division III schools on Saturdays with the scoreboard on.
- Matt Brannon
DJ Khaled should be Florida’s next head coach because…
There’s absolutely no one more inspirational on the face of the earth than the king of hip hop himself, Khaled Mohamed Khaled.
The DJ from Miami has all the keys — especially the major ones — making him a perfect fit in Gainesville for years to come.
Every time the Gators score a touchdown, it’ll never be enough for Khaled. “Another one!” he’ll shout. “Another one!”
If the team’s confidence is shaken, he’ll be in his players’ faces screaming “we the best forever” until they all believe the College Football Playoff is theirs to lose.
And if Florida is trailing by one possession in the final two minutes of the national championship, you better believe he’ll be chanting “all we do is win, win, win, no matter what” until UF pulls off the victory.
Without a doubt, no one has a better chance of leading the Gators to greatness than Khaled. Absolutely no one.
- Dylan Dixon
Now, onto our competitors!
In first, at 55-36, is 247Sports’ Thomas “Better late than never” Goldkamp, who showed up to a Monday media session soaked in sweat after sprinting to make it on time. Of course, he was already 10 minutes late because UF started early that day. But that’s only because all the players agreed to f--- with “that Drew Brees fanboy.”
Next, at 50-37, is Gator Country’s Nick “Never gonna be a Townsend no matter how hard he tries” de la Torre, who let UF’s punting corps down this week by not posting enough about UF punter Johnny Townsend. As a result, Townsend wasn’t named a semifinalist for the nation’s top punting award. And Townsend’s family tossed Nick’s adult adoption papers out of spite.
In a tie for third, at 46-41, is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Lucid dreaming” Thompson, who ashamedly admitted he had a nightmare where he got into a fight with former Florida football coach Jim McElwain, who soundly beat the s--- out of him. You sure that was a nightmare and not just another Monday press conference, Edgar?
Also at 46-41 is the Alligator’s Ethan “Religion is my porn” Bauer, who can't stop asking the Alligator's resident Jew, sports writer Ian Cohen, weirdly specific questions about Judaism. Yesterday, after stopping for a few moments from perusing his pocket Bible, Ethan asked Ian if Jews celebrate Thanksgiving just like normal people. "What do you mean 'normal people?'" Ian asked indignantly. They haven't spoken since.
In fifth, at 44-43, is the Alligator’s Ian “Why the hell is this guy still showing up to work” Cohen, who was fired last month in our Week 7 edition of the alligatorSports Picks Column, but doesn’t seem to have gotten the message. YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE, COHEN. GO HOME.
After Ian, at 42-45, is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “High as a jet” Hall, who spent every waking moment of the last week camped out in the luggage rack of the Gainesville airport, cell phone in hand, camouflage paint coating his entire body, hoping to get a glimpse of Chip Kelly to share with his crazed Twitter followers.
In seventh, at 41-46, is the Alligator’s Dylan “Not a car guy” Dixon, who failed miserably when attempting to fix his tire pressure on a road trip in South Carolina. “So I put the hose in the gas tank?” No, Dylan, you don’t. What kind of car owner doesn’t have a pressure gauge or know how to fill up a tire. News flash, Dylan: We’re getting TIRED of your s---.
And bringing up the rear, at 39-48, is the Alligator’s Matt “Simba is my spirit animal” Brannon, whose obsession with the Lion King hit a new low last weekend after he got blackout drunk off two vodka martinis and started screaming the lyrics of the “Circle of Life” at a dead squirrel. We get it, Matt. You like children’s movies. And that’s OK. What’s not OK, however, is you subjecting people to your putrid, disgusting, horrendously bad singing, even if that “person” is a deceased rodent. Just chill.