It has been a trying week for the Florida Gators football program. The team lost by one-point to LSU, lost multiple players with injuries and lost the respect of some fans by ditching the orange and blue uniforms this weekend. The Gators will take the field Saturday against Texas A&M wearing green jerseys that the Oregon Ducks passed on. The jerseys took 18 months to design since the artist accidentally opened Internet Explorer and had to wait for it to close. He then used the remaining 10 minutes to put black polka dots on a greenish-gray background. The team first got the idea for the jerseys when Nike approached them and told them that no one was buying Gators merchandise. A year and a half later, here we are. The Florida-Texas A&M game is sure to be one of the most interesting picks this week. But before we get into all of our picks and meet our competitors, Alligator sports editors Matt Brannon and Dylan Dixon will break down the much-anticipated matchup between Delta State and West Florida. Be sure to catch Statesmen and the Argonauts on Saturday on BLAB TV.
Delta State wins because …
I’ll be honest, the odds are against the Statesmen for this one. They have to go on the road to a hostile Argonauts environment for the game Saturday, which will be a real challenge because no one knows what an Argonaut is or where it lives. I can only assume based on the name that Argonauts are people who really love the movie Argo. And since Argo won best picture in 2012, UWF has a pretty good shot of capitalizing that momentum and beating Delta State.
Except for the fact that in science, deltas symbolize change. Because of this, I expect things to change on Saturday and for the Statesmen to walk out of Blue Wahoos Stadium with a win.
- Matt Brannon
West Florida wins because ...
I’ve been verbalizing this since the commencement of the 2017 college football campaign: Don’t get somnolent on the Argonauts. They are a highly adroit group of football players.
If I was necessitated to select a victor in a contest between UWF and the Alabama Crimson Tide, I’m nominating the men from Pensacola 11 occasions out of 10.
They are that deft. You should surmise the same.
I’m not required to reveal scrupulously researched statistics elucidating how stupefying their offense is. I won’t go on a soliloquy pontificating about how astounding their defense is. I don’t even want to embark in a discussion about their special teams, which I could bloviate about for junctures of a minimum of six hours in one sitting.
At the end of the day, just take my word for it. They knows how to do the football really, really goodly.
- Dylan Dixon
Now, onto our competitors!
In first place with a 28-19 record is 247Sports writer Thomas “injured reserve” Goldkamp, who got a taste of cosmic karma this week. After prodding coach Jim McElwain about Gator injuries all season, Goldkamp is now sidelined with strep throat and is doubtful for the Texas A&M game after spending the whole week sucking on cough drops.
Tied for second with a 25-22 record is Orlando Sentinel writer Edgar “white Christmas” Thompson, who was thankful he didn’t grow up in an era with camera phones after a video circulated showing the Dolphins offensive line coach with what appeared to be cocaine. The twist? Edgar was the one holding the camera.
Tied for second is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “this will look great on Twitter” Hall. While waiting to interview players after practice this week, Graham found a cleat from the new alternate uniforms and conducted a five-minute photoshoot for the lone shoe, so he could post it on social media. He thought about trying the cleat on and running a few routes. But then he remembered that would require exercising.
Also tied for second is Gator Country’s Nick “Spider 2Y Banana” de la Torre, who induced McElwain’s shortest press conference answer this season after asking: Have you thought about simplifying the offense to speed things up? “It’s pretty simple,” McElwain replied, before taunting Nick for running bad plays in Madden.
Next up with a 24-23 record is Alligator writer Ethan “I piss off people with my love of the color purple" Bauer, who was called out by his personal branding professor on Thursday for wearing a purple shirt. Ethan sniped back that the color of his shirt was technically "orchid," and that he was making a fashion statement. But let's face it Ethan, the only fashion statement you've ever made was the time you wore assless chaps to a Jonas Brothers concert. Lighten up a bit.
One game behind Ethan is Alligator writer Ian “I have the transcribing skills of a sack of potatoes” Cohen, who absolutely butchered an attempt to transcribe an interview with Florida offensive lineman Fred Johnson on Wednesday. Ian misquoted Johnson so horrifically, we at the Alligator have decided to fire him. We haven't told him yet though, so Ian, if you're seeing this, there you have it. Don't come into work on Sunday.
Then, at 22-25, we have Alligator sports editor Matt “Octopus man” Brannon, who accidentally smeared ink all over his shorts last weekend while handing out copies of the Alligator during the Homecoming parade. Matt claims ink from the newspapers got all over his hands because he was sweating, but we’re not convinced. He’s definitely an octopus, and that ink was definitely a secretion of bodily fluid because he got nervous. Learn how to cope with your anxiety better Matt. People are starting to notice your arms and legs are just four pairs of tentacles stapled together.
Last on our list at 21-26 is Alligator assistant sports editor Dylan “I'm the coolest person alive” Dixon, who didn't feel like writing a burn for himself this week, so instead decided to talk about how awesome he is. Dylan could beat LeBron James in a game of one-on-one, hit a home run off Clayton Kershaw and intercept a pass from Aaron Rodgers. He's just that dope.