After a memorable 1,061-day stretch serving as Florida’s football coach, Jim McElwain’s reign in Gainesville came crumbling down on Sunday afternoon.
UF athletic director Scott Stricklin announced that the University Athletic Association and McElwain “mutually agreed to part ways,” which is just fancy talk for saying the UAA exclaimed good riddance and fired the hell out of him after a miserable week headlined by claims of death threats and an embarrassing 35-point loss to Georgia.
Now, the Gators are moving on under the leadership of Randy Shannon as they attempt to finish this train wreck of a season on a high note, starting this Saturday with a matchup against Missouri.
But what about McElwain? What does he do now? He is unemployed, after all.
Well, here at alligatorSports, we are strong believers in the adage “the world is your oyster,” and we see lots of potential in McElwain outside of the realm of football.
He could do practically anything he wants, but sports editor Matt Brannon and assistant sports editor Dylan Dixon have two particular occupations in mind. They debate that topic below:
McElwain should run for president because…
There are three main reasons why McElwain would make a great commander in chief. 1) He cares about the environment. Everyone saw his hands-on approach with a particular shark in the spring, which shows a real passion and clear interest in animals. 2) He’s not afraid to go nuclear. It’s good to have someone who isn’t afraid to pull the trigger, as we saw when McElwain put a gun to the head of Florida’s season and splattered death-threat controversy all over the wall. 3) He has what it takes to win a campaign. McElwain’s going to have plenty of money in the bank after a massive buyout from UF, and he’s got the free time to wander around the country and ramble to people that like him — apparently the two things people look for most in a U.S. president.
- Matt Brannon
McElwain should become a pole dancer because…
The internet lost its mind several months ago when a man who looks EXACTLY like McElwain was photographed lying completely butt-naked on top of a dead shark.
Florida’s former head coach adamantly denied that he was the individual pictured in said photograph, but that’s neither here nor there. Regardless of whether it actually was McElwain or not, the hoopla around that image proved one thing: people want to see the 55-year-old proudly showing off his birthday suit as he holds onto an object twice his height.
Pole dancing is the perfect career change for McElwain. The crowds he would draw to watch him perform “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” would be enough to fill up all of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium and then some.
So let’s make this happen, coach Mac. You need to give the people what they want.
- Dylan Dixon
Now, on to our competitors!
In first, at 45-26, is 247Sports’ Thomas “M” Goldkamp, who we learned recently has a middle name that begins with M. While it probably stands for something lame like Marshall or Matilda, the M is fitting for Thomas since he’s mainly a mild-mannered media member mostly mumbling mundane McElwain minutia.
Next, in a four-way tie for second at 38-33, is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “golf is my life“ Thompson, who would rather spend his afternoons playing 18 holes on the greens than do his actual job covering Florida’s football team. Edgar’s love for the most boring sport on earth has gotten so bad he recently changed the name off his dog to “102,” which is the score he shot last week while he skipped Randy Shannon’s opening press conference as Florida’s head coach. Someone clearly has their priorities straight.
Also at 38-33 is the Alligator’s Ethan “infatuated with fantasy” Bauer, who missed work this week because he was busy with dungeons and dragons. We’re not talking about the board game. We’re talking about Ethan’s peculiar fetish where he’s fed flaming hot Cheetos while chained to a medieval bed frame.
After Ethan, at 38-33, is the Alligator’s Ian “I am a walking oxymoron“ Cohen, who — as an amateur sports writer — has openly proclaimed that he dislikes, even hates, sports. Want to strike up a friendly conversation with the Alligator’s resident Jew? Don’t bring up that crazy touchdown pass you saw in the Toledo – Bowling Green game last week. Ian wants no part of it, so don’t even mention a word about balls, bats or baskets. The only response you’ll get in return is a death stare and the middle finger.
The final lovable loser at 38-33 is Gator Country’s Nick “pizza provocateur” de la Torre, who recently posted his ill-informed opinion that Papa John’s has terrible pizza. Nick’s Twitter followers appropriately called him out for his embarrassing and reprehensible remarks. Much like Nick’s own papa, we’re not upset at him; we’re just disappointed.
Dropping all the way down to sixth place, at 37-34, is the Gainesville Sun's Graham "alcohol numbs the pain" Hall, who has recently taken up drinking as a means for coping with his recent plummet in the picks column standings. Alcohol is never the answer, Graham. Just because you're unable to accept the fact that Ursinus defeated Susquehanna two weeks ago, that doesn't mean you can drunkenly storm into an interview with Eddy Pineiro and mock him for missing that extra point against LSU. Get a grip.
In seventh, at 33-38, is the Alligator’s Dylan “dinosaur devotee” Dixon, who hasn’t shut up about dinosaurs since he learned they were real and not just mythical creatures. We get it, Dylan, brontosauruses are big. If you’re fascinated with a brontosaurus, just wait until you see a thesaurus. That way, you can find something new to drone on about instead of some prehistoric plant eater.
And in dead last with a pathetic 32-39 record is the Alligator’s Matt “where the f--- is my car” Brannon, who called a colleague after class on Thursday to let him know he’d be late to work because he couldn’t remember where he’d parked his car. Matt’s memory isn’t the greatest, probably because of all the concussions he’s suffered getting into bar fights downtown. Just take the bus next time, dude. Maybe it’ll help you get over your crippling fear of homeless people.
Eight Gators beat writers pick eight college football games against the spread.
