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Thursday, May 23, 2024

With the outcome of tomorrow's UF-Western Kenucky game seemingly decided before kickoff, we at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column wanted to find a more competitive matchup for you to watch Saturday.

After examining Western Kentucky mascot Big Red - an amorphous red blob who looks like the result of a drunken night between a Teletubby and Grimace, the McDonald?s character - we think we may have found one.

Which Big Red will last longer on Saturday: Western Kentucky's mascot or the Wrigley's chewing gum flavor?

To find out, we called up Chris Perille, who works in public relations for Wrigley, to see how long a stick of Big Red would make it through a football game.

"It always depends in football whether you're talking about clock time or elapsed time," Perille said.

"Certainly, it would last through a quarter, maybe to a quarter and a half. For a whole game, you would probably have to have three pieces to be safe."

There are significant advantages to chewing Big Red at Gators games. It does a great job of masking the alcohol on your breath.

Anyway, the Hilltoppers should be out of the way early, potentially before a stick of the gum loses its flavor.

"I don't know what the over/under on that game is," Perille said. "I think the Western Kentucky team will last the whole game, but the question is whether the flavor will go before Florida gets an insurmountable lead.

"Unfortunately, Western Kentucky fans as well as Florida fans are all gum chewers, so I think I better stay away from that one."

Of course, Perille is assuming Kentucky natives have enough teeth to chew gum with.

Wrigley's Web site states their gum should not be given to dogs, but could a gator chew on some Big Red?

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"We find that our biggest fans and our best customers are people, so we're not looking toward animal consumers," he said. "It's great for Gators fans, but maybe not to share with the gators. Hypothetically, I do know that a gator has a lot of teeth, and chewing gum can be good for your teeth. If they were to chew, they would have a brighter smile."

If gnawing on WKU's Big Red offered the same benefits, Albert the alligator would probably have some pearly whites to show off to Alberta on Saturday night.

Since Big Red chewing gum was founded in 1975 - four years before the mascot was introduced - Wrigley's should be thinking lawsuit if the Hilltoppers can't live up to the long-lasting name set by their confectionary predecessors.

"I think that if they don't have a good outcome to the game, that will be punishment enough," Perille said.

With that, on to the picks!

Leading off for the first and only time, thanks to the well-placed first letter of his last name, is Bryan "I buy logo T-shirts at Wal-Mart" Jones, who boasts a whopping 59 UF friends on Facebook, equal to the number of wet dreams he has had about Dan Uggla.

In the No. 2 spot is Jenna "What do you call it when the guy with the ball gets pushed over by a guy on the other team?" Marina. Jenna needs some lucky picks to be able to pay back her former employer - Regal Cinemas - for all the free tickets she gave out to Shands patients who beat her in H-O-R-S-E.

In the three-hole is Mike "40 miles per hour is strictly for highway driving" McCall, whose romantic feelings for pathetic quarterback David Garrard are less healthy than a greasy piece of chicken from his beloved Bojangles' restaurant.

Batting cleanup is Brian "I'm not just a member of the defunct Facebook group 'abstinence rocks my rocks,? I?m the president" Steele, who recently joined a group called "I Am Going To Have Crazy Sex Once I Am Married" (we?re not kidding). We can only assume the group "I masturbate 14 times a day" was not accepting new members.

Bringing up the rear is Nick "I want to raise the illegitimate children of Juice Williams and Jeffrey Jordan" Zaccardi, who recently tried to seduce the members of the 1974 Illinois men's volleyball squad into a night of strip-sports trivia but was rejected when they didn?t believe he was over 18.

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