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Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Glory Hallelujah! It's finally the last month of school. This is really great news for anyone with exciting summer plans or a profitable job awaiting them in the real world. For me, it's good news for a number of reasons. One of them being my health. I have a severe and highly contagious problem that I'm sure won't go away until May 4.

The symptoms began surfacing last fall, but I fought to stay healthy for as long as the infection would allow. Now, there's no hope. Stay away, I have Senioritis. And if you get too close, you may never be able to academically excel again. The disease is so severe I often can't attend classes. So contagious it's best I don't participate in group projects. And yes, it may be deadly. If my GPA drops drastically in my final semester, my father will likely kill me.

I'm going to describe my illness in detail so you can recognize the signs and perhaps control the virus before it's too late. One dangerous symptom is my incapability to complete anything I begin. For example… nah, nevermind. A slightly odd symptom is my tendency to skip school in order to attend aerobics classes at the gym. Trust me, this is very out of character. I'm no Suzanne Somers.

Another common symptom is my inability to retain any information during class lectures. Instead, I can focus only on the missing letters in the daily crossword puzzle. On that note, I should check the answer to yesterday's 9-down.

Time lapsed: one hour.

Another symptom of Senioritis is lack of dedication. The propensity to let almost anything distract me from the task at hand is becoming a serious problem. Is that a commercial for Furniture Kingdom? Wow. Maybe I'll go ahead and watch it.

Time lapsed: two hours, 45 minutes. The virus is taking over. I wish I could offer other seniors encouraging news. I wish I could say I've found a cure. Some sort of daily pill or even a one-time shot in the bottom.

Unfortunately, I've learned from past sufferers that the only treatment with any lasting effect is graduation. Which means I have about three more weeks of inadvisable class-skipping ahead of me. Class skipping. I just don't understand why they would make it sound like so much fun if they don't want you to do it. Of course I would rather skip than sit and listen. That's like trying to decide between a cookie with sprinkles and a head of lettuce. Just the sound of one of these options is clearly more enticing. I'm digressing. It's the wretched Senioritis kicking in. I think I need caffeine. I'll just make some tea real quick.

Time lapsed: approximately 12 hours. Senioritis is a degenerative disease. By next Friday, I will no doubt have to start bringing my laptop to class so as to operate with some semblance of interest. The laptop is a great invention, is it not? No one can see what you're really doing on there besides those sitting directly behind you and of course, other classmates scanning Facebook at the time who see "Carly is online now" when they check your profile page.

Sorry, another tangent. I can't help it. But honestly, I used to be a very good student. Receiving any grades less than an A would get me down. Missing one class would have me worried sick. I never procrastinated during my first three years of college. School always came first. Not my social life. And definitely not my fitness club membership. Consider this a warning: Senioritis is real. Do everything you can to stay aware and mentally healthy. And if you aren't infected already, you may want to stay away from me. Because if I cough on or near you, it is highly probable that you may start solving puzzles when you should be solving equations. You may find yourself skipping when you should be sitting. And you may no longer be capable of completing anyth…

Carly Hallam is an advertising senior. Her column appears on Fridays.

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