"Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules."
That is one of my favorite movie quotes, delivered by John Goodman as Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski.
Much like bowling, sports fandom is unlike 'Nam. There are rules to this as well.
What are the rules of sports loyalty?
I'm glad you asked.
Too many times our friends are quick to pull a maneuver that draws our ire, jumping recklessly from bandwagon to bandwagon without dignity or nobility in mind.
After meditating on the matter at hand and discussing the subject with a well-respected colleague and friend of mine (Mike DiFerdinando), I believe I have come up with some basic rules and regulations that should be observed when assessing the validity of someone's sports fandom.
The following is to be considered the ultimate authority on sports allegiances and a reference point for when it is or is not acceptable to bust your buddy's balls for questionable practices.
ARTICLE I: There are only two noble reasons to claim a sports team (college or professional) as your own:
A) Regional proximity
B) Family ties
If you are from a city, or are choosing a nearby team to root for, you're well within the perimeters of logical fandom. If you were raised on a team, or root for a team because that's what your dad did when you were a little kid, we understand.
ARTICLE II: All sports allegiances must be formed before the teenage years. And once formed, only under a precious few circumstances is it OK to jump ship to another team.
Pro Teams: If you chose to root for the Buffalo Bills when you were a wee lad because you liked the team's jerseys, this is a Level 1 Offense. I see this as the probation of fandom. The fact you picked a team at an early age and stuck with it to this day allows you to avoid be called out completely, but it puts you on extremely thin ice. If I catch this same Bills fan ever rooting for another team or claiming to be "not as invested in the Bills" or "starting to like another team more," he can consider his fandom denied. Under no circumstances is it OK to change allegiances to another pro franchise. This is to be deemed bandwagoning or front running, and the guilty party should be mocked mercilessly.
Exception: A suddenly enlightened fan may jump ship from a dynastic team that drives everyone insane and represents everything evil in sports. Your new team, however, must be downright terrible. I'm not talking bounced-out-of-the-playoffs-in-the-first-round bad, I'm talking brunt-of-jokes bad. When done right, this move may be applauded by other card-carrying Fanifesto members.
College: The collegiate ranks are infinitely trickier than the pros. College teams, far more than pro teams, really represent a fan base. By taking the time to root for a college team, you are pretty much making the statement, "See those guys out there, they represent me." I just don't see it the same way with pro franchises. I hold far stronger to the rules outlined in Article I that college teams can only be chosen by regional or family ties, but attendance of a school allows you a legal exception. If you chose a random college team when you were small while not obeying Article I, that team better suck ass, and they better suck ass every year. They better have a ceiling of "just happy to be in a big game." They better come without expectations.
College programs, for the most part, are different than pro teams. There's no up-and-down cycle of who's good and who isn't. Powerhouses are powerhouses and that's just how it goes. If you chose to root for FSU and you grew up in New York City, moved to South Florida, attend UF and have never been to an FSU game, that's a Level 2 Offense and you should be appropriately tormented. Furthermore, your character should be called into question. Switches in college sports are also very tricky, and I have a bipartisan policy that sees things from both sides. If you grew up in South Florida and rooted for Miami because the 'Canes were the closest regional team, then got accepted to UF and became a Gators fan, that is perfectly fine. You are always allowed to switch to the school you attend, even under rivalry circumstances. At the same time, if you grew up in South Florida, rooted for the 'Canes, Dad took you to games your whole life and you got accepted to UF, you may retain your fandom of the prior school. It's in your blood, we understand.
ARTICLE III: Additional college rules:
a) You root for an entire college program, not individual sports at the school. If you are a Gators fan, you are a Gators fan across the board. You CANNOT root for UF basketball and another school's football team. This is a Level 2 Offense. If you not only split your allegiance between football and basketball, but those two schools happen to be rivals, this is a Level 3 Offense. Let's just say if someone wanted to terminate your existence, we'd understand - and turn a blind eye.
b) You may have two college teams under the following circumstances:
It's not your fault if you go to a school with a smaller sports program, and it's not your fault if you go to a powerhouse school that never gets to experience the magic of coming out of nowhere and "shocking the world." It is for this reason I will allow college fans to have two teams if they meet the following conditions:
i)One of the schools is in a BCS conference, and the other is not.
ii)You clearly define which school is your No. 1.
If you attend the small schools of the world, your big school must be chosen based on the noble reasons already outlined. I don't want to hear about liberal arts students in the Northeast cheering for USC. If you attend the powerhouses of the world, your small school can be chosen under any conditions you like, but you must do the following:
i)Follow the team. Know the team. Act as if you were a student there, and make sure your knowledge is on the same level.
ii)Don't treat them as the flavor of the week. For someone like myself who loves mid-major basketball, it is very tempting to toot the horn of each new Cinderella from a year-to-year basis. It is important not to be swept up in switching from George Mason to St. Mary's to Davidson. Be faithful.
The "Major" Clause: In basketball, the BCS conference rule is just a general outline, do some research in finding a complete list of what are considered MAJOR programs, as you can only have one of these. For example: Memphis, Xavier and Gonzaga (along with a few others I'm likely forgetting) are not to be looked at as small schools simply because they are not in BCS conferences. You may not be a fan of a BCS school and one of those three schools.
The God Clause: I hate this rule more than anything, but I've been told by a gaggle (just wanted to squeeze that word in) of peers that it is legitimate and to be observed. If you are Catholic, you may claim Notre Dame as a second team. I don't like it, but I'll respect it. By the same standards, I think BYU should be seen as fair game for any Mormon fans.
ARTICLE IV: Wearing a team's gear is not to be seen as a declaration of fanhood.
Wearing a team's clothes does not make you a qualified fan of that team. And just because you are a fan of one team, that does not necessarily exclude you from wearing other teams' gear. Jerseys or player-specific sportswear are especially appropriate in this case. You may absolutely like players on other teams and wear their jerseys as a result. Some teams just have sweet colors that match an outfit. This is another legal move.
The Lebron Clause: If caught wearing another team's shirt/hat, and asked about it by an observer (Oh, you're a Cubs fan?), you must immediately set them straight, say you only like the shirt/hat and declare your actual team of preference. IMPORTANT: You may NEVER, EVER, EVER wear the gear of a rival, even under the player-specific provision.
The College Loyalty Exception: A player from your college team was drafted by a rival of your favorite pro team. This is a terrible conundrum for any fan, we understand.
ARTICLE V: Rooting for a team is different than being a fan of a team.
There are plenty of teams I like. I root for them openly and wish them well. This is a perfectly legal move as long as you never blur the line of being a fan of that team.
The Game Theory Clause: You may not root for a team that you "just like" if it will have a negative consequence on your own team. By the same token, you may root for rivals or otherwise despised teams if the outcome will benefit your team.
The Everyone Loses Clause: If you are a true sports fan, you may find yourself in situations where you are watching a game, yet not rooting for anyone. When the Yankees play the Red Sox in the playoffs, rooting for a swine flu outbreak on the stadium may be seen as cruel, but perfectly acceptable under the Fanifesto.
ARTICLE VI: Smack talk is usually OK, but it is a practice to be handled with care.
Everyone loves poking fun at a friend's latest sports disaster. It brings a smile to our face that your team just flamed out in the worst way imaginable. Smack talking a fallen friend is to be treated much like smack talking an eccentric public figure who has passed away. If you make a joke too soon, you will be viewed as classless. And if you take offense on behalf of your team too easily, you should be viewed as a whiny, perspective-less sports fan.
The Equal Footing Clause: If you are smack talking a friend's team beyond a quick, good-natured remark, your team must be at least on equal standing with your friend's team, and preferably in better standing. For a FSU fan, the only thing worse than being made fun of by a UF fan (whose team is enjoying unprecedented success) is being made fun of by a Miami fan. The Seminoles may be getting whooped on by the Gators year after year, but the 'Canes aren't exactly in better shape.
The Gentlemen's Clause: Know which teams your friends are most emotionally invested in and act accordingly. Explore the boundaries, but try not to cross them. A "congratulations" to a friend when his or her team does well is a classy move and earns you bonus points in my book.
ARTICLE VII: How to handle the soccer phenomenon:
Somehow, while you were asleep, soccer has made a serious movement in this country. Most of us Americans didn't grow up with the sport and have found it later in life. The best soccer in the world is played overseas, and picking European teams to follow is extremely difficult (just ask ESPN's Bill Simmons).
The English Premier League is exactly that, the premier soccer league in the world. I frequently compare European soccer to college football due to the intense fan worship, and the different leagues compare favorably to college conferences. The EPL is the Southeastern Conference of European soccer. Everyone who wants to follow soccer across the pond needs to pick an EPL team; unfortunately, there are really only four legitimate choices.
Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester United are by far the cream-of-the-crop and the only teams that have a shot at winning the league year-in and year-out. Unfortunately for you, prospective soccer fan, Chelsea and Man U have to be thrown out right away as choices because they are the Red Sox and Yankees (or USC and UF) of soccer and cannot be adopted by Americans looking to attach some importance to their newfound sport. Arsenal and Liverpool are fine choices, and I recommend one of those two teams. If you think you can handle following a frustrating, slightly lower-level team that doesn't have as good of a chance to win,then Fulham, Tottenham Hotspur, Aston Villa and Everton are all solid choices. In addition to your EPL team, you may choose one other team from all the other leagues combined to root for when it comes time for international club play. The Italian, Spanish and German leagues are all good places to start for those teams. However, be sure to designate which of the two teams is your No. 1 so your allegiances are clear if the two are ever to meet.
The Inferior League Clause: The MLS is a joke of a league no matter what Mike McCall tells you, so I don't really want to get into choosing an MLS team. Pick whoever you want except for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
ARTICLE VIII: Addressing the international conflict:
I had the opportunity to add to my ever-expanding list of cool sporting events I've been to this spring when a few of my friends and I went to see a World Baseball Classic game in the aforementioned Land Shark Stadium. Puerto Rico was playing the United States, and I can vouch for the 5:1 ratio of Puerto Rican fans to American fans. I'm sure many of them can legitimately root for Puerto Rico under the rules I'm about to outline, but I can also assure you many of them cannot.
a) Your international fanhood lies simply with your citizenship. You don't have to be born in the United States to be a citizen, but you damn sure have to have been naturalized. Similarly, you don't have to be born in Puerto Rico to be a fan, but you damn sure have to have been naturalized. (I understand that Puerto Ricans have American citizenship, but stay with me.) Any country that you have citizenship in, you can claim to be a fan of. If you have dual citizenship, you may claim two countries. If you don't, you can't. If you are an American by citizenship, you should be a fan of the United States.
b) This does not follow the rules outlined in Article I for picking a professional or collegiate team. Family ties do not count for this one. Half of my family is French, and my father was born in France and flaunts his fanhood for the other Red, White and Blue any chance he gets, but that doesn't mean that I'm allowed to. I root for France as a second team, but I can't claim fanhood of that team.
