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Wednesday, June 19, 2024

    After Bret found “love” and VH1 ended “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels,” the trashy reality television gods have blessed me with another gem in the form of an hourlong block of the new season of “Tough Love.” I find Sundays lazing on the couch watching no-thought-involved TV medicinal, but for those of you who don’t, let me recap the show.

    Un-datable women, ranging from the Gold Digger (even Kanye West disapproves of using this triflin’ tactic) to the Wannabe-Rock-Star-but-Actual-Skank, try to find love with the help of matchmaker Steve  Ward. As they sort out the crazy characteristics inhibiting them from finding Mr. Right, the show displays women in a psychopathic light.

    Before you roll your eyes and flip to the crossword puzzle, let me clarify that I’m not a feminist, and I know that women have issues. Let’s face it – we cry watching Jon and Kate’s breakup, and we dance with another guy at a club when we want attention from our own. We are beings who men simply cannot understand, but women aren’t the only ones who need matchmaking. And girls, if you’ve ever had cheesy (make that any) pickup lines thrown your way, you can agree.

    That is why I want to send VH1 a request for my own male version of “Tough Love.” Like the stereotypes in the show, I already know what I’d label the types of men that would flock to the casting call.

     At the front of the line stands the guy who will never grow up. He’s always in search of a new drinking gadget, like a 12-foot beer funnel that extends from the kitchen to his armchair because it’s just so practical. And he won’t say “I love you” when he hangs up with his mom because “That’s gay.” When it comes to dating, he takes girls to bars and gets so smashed that he vomits 10 rum and cokes onto the pool table. Most women wouldn’t get in a car with him, let alone a relationship.

    The jealous guy is next in the row. He was burned so badly in a previous relationship that he reads through his current girlfriend’s phone while she sleeps. When he’s out, he walks with his biceps flexed, threatening to knock someone out with every glance tossed at her. He demands that she gets rid of her low-cut tank tops and male friends, but the worst part is that his insecurities have already led him to cheat on her anyway.

    The clinger would be lurking at the rear of the pack because creeping is what he does best. His calls and texts commence after one hookup, and he doesn’t take no for an answer, proclaiming they are soul mates or updating his status with a passive-aggressive remark. This guy will do all the things a girl’s ex never did, like put roses on her dashboard and try to introduce her to his mom. It doesn’t matter; he’s still a woman’s worst nightmare, intended to be a drunken rebound but transformed into the equivalent of a wedlock-crazed female.

    The douche bag hangs out of the line because he’s too cool to follow suit. His category speaks for itself, but if you require an explanation just look up “My New Haircut” on YouTube.

    Finally, the player stands next to his douche-bag friend because he was dragged there. He doesn’t need advice on relationships when he’s currently in six. On the outside he’s charming, but on the inside he suffers from dating ADHD, moving from one woman to the next once as his interest subdues. His girlfriends stay in denial when a friend leaks his man-whore status, but eventually the girls find out about each other through Facebook wall-to-walls. Though it may seem that he has it all with plenty of sex and no commitment, karma has the last laugh when he’s finally interested in a girl who won’t put up with the only game he knows how to play.

    These ineligible bachelors could be equally portrayed on prime time with their female counterparts as gurus in dating don’ts. Maybe Steve doesn’t have enough “Tough Love” to go around, but where does that leave men when they experience relationship woes? I wish that all would just be fair in love and reality TV.

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