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Monday, February 06, 2023

She Says...

Never again. Never again will I have unprotected sex.

Promise this to yourself now and stick to it. Buy an ungodly amount of condoms and place them strategically in your room - in your nightstand, in your desk, under the bathroom sink and between box spring and mattress. You never know when or where the opportunity will arise, and you've got to be prepared.

Next, put them in your car and in every purse you own and don't worry about being presumptuous. If you're having sex outside of monogamy, condoms are an unfortunate necessity.

Curses, this is why I need a boyfriend.

In the meantime, see below for alternatives to your average rubber; wrap it up your style.

He says...

"Do you mind putting on a condom?" is one of those questions that make men cringe with disappointment. Of course I mind. I mind having to put the foreplay on "Pause." I mind having to stumble in the dark for my pants and dig through the pockets. And I mind having to stuff my meat into a rubbery prison cell.

My penis and I are the best of friends. And it pains me to have to treat a friend so horribly.

But even though it is such a monumental hassle, I comply. In the interest of safe sex and of ensuring there won't be any mini-me's running around anytime soon, I make sure to wrap it up, every time.

And in reality, it's a no-brainer. With all the negative consequences of sex today - unwanted pregnancy, HIV/AIDS and other STDs - there is no reason not to wear protection. Let's face it; the '70s are long gone. The era of carefree sex has been replaced with an era of awareness and responsibility.

Now, the only way to guarantee that you won't knock anybody up or get syphilis is abstinence. But that's no fun. According to the National Institutes of Health, condoms have an 85 percent success rate at preventing pregnancy and STDs when used properly.

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As men, it is our duty to always have the necessary protection at our disposal. That means keeping a supply in your bedroom, car and pocket. Just don't store them in your wallet. All the friction from opening and closing your wallet will, over time, degrade the latex, which means that the jimmy you've been keeping in there since high school isn't to be trusted.

And speaking of friction, never double up. You may think that you are taking the safe road by twin-bagging it, but you are actually creating unnecessary chafing that can cause your rubbers to break.

We can all agree that sex with a condom doesn't feel nearly as good, but using lube can help remedy that problem a bit. Just stay away from the Jergens and Vaseline and pick up something that is made specifically for intercourse. Using petroleum-based lubricants like Vaseline break down the latex. For the chemistry majors out there, it's like acid to your condom.

To close on a serious note, there is no reason why you shouldn't be practicing safe sex. Every time you knock boots without some form of contraception, you are playing a dangerous game, where losing means having a baby, catching something or worse. So wise up, and do like the Boy Scouts say. Always be prepared.

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