One of the great mysteries of our time is the paradox of state government. Every few years, each state in our great union selects the brightest and most talented descendants of privilege and sends them away to plot out the boundaries of our daily lives. Just like clockwork, these seemingly divine figures time and again fail to deliver on their promises and the effulgent nature of their haircuts.
For this and many other reasons, my unfunded political action committee is now backing the fledgling campaign of Amendment Zero.
Here in Florida, we are not immune to the plague of inadequacy that regularly undercuts the potential of our state politicians. The biggest pothole on the road to good governance in Florida is the setup where powerful guys at the top of important committees essentially go on tour and accept open bribes from the people they are supposed to regulate.
This leads to a few regular patterns of behavior in Tallahassee. Aside from open hostility toward the educational system, Florida lawmakers traditionally hold a great deal of animus for people with disabilities and the middle class. (To be completely fair, the education lobbyists always buy the cheap caviar; how hard is it to remember to get beluga?)
Florida annually spends a great deal of money to feed and house hundreds of insatiably hungry lawmakers, and what our state gets in return is often simply a handout to the people and groups who already have all the money and power that they will ever reasonably need. If reason and need are no longer part of the equation in Florida politics, it is the position of Amendment Zero that our fine state would be much better served by dissolving the Florida Legislature and replacing it with a handful of reality television stars.
For instance, any combination of Kardashians would be a better political body for Florida than the one we are burdened with right now. Kim, Kourtney and Khloe already know how to accept gifts and whore themselves out for money and exposure, so they are at least as qualified to govern as 95 percent of the current Legislature. Add in the mom and maybe one of the younger sisters, and we would have a “Kongress” that cherishes real family values. And lip gloss.
For the House of Representatives, Amendment Zero suggests any four residents of VH1’s “Sober House” (to be chosen by Lt. Governor Tom Sizemore) and the current winners from the latest seasons of “Celebrity Fit Club” and “Dancing with the Stars” — a diverse and representative group with expertise in all types of mental illness. It goes without saying that all of this will first have to pass muster with Gov. Justin Bieber, whose education platform and awesome hair often make Charlie Crist cry in a dark corner of the governor’s mansion master bedroom.
Amendment Zero seeks wholesale changes to the structure and functions of government, but Florida is completely broke and the current alternative is quite scary by comparison. I guess Florida law requires some signatures or something, but the carnage in Tallahassee right now shows any rational person why Amendment Zero deserves at least a shot on the ballot.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His columns appear on Thursdays.
