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Saturday, March 02, 2024

And so, dear readers, here we are. Another summer in Gainesville has come and gone, and it's time we all look back and reflect on how much we've gone through. There's been plenty of things to remember over this past pseudo-semester, like that time ... where ... um ...

OK, confession time. I really don't remember much about this summer.

I remember it getting so hot my roommate melted and made a mess all over the rug, and then LeBron taking his talents to South Beach.

Since then I've been listening to a loop of Eddie Murphy's hit single "Party All the Time" for weeks, while partying all the time.

Unfortunately, it's the aforementioned partying that has rendered me completely unable to do a "Summer in Review" column without making most of this stuff up as I go.

I'll start with something I've already mentioned. LeBron James, basketball player and monarch extraordinaire, will be playing for my hometown Miami Heat from now on.

This is merely the next chapter in the ongoing saga of Florida sports teams seal-clubbing the state of Ohio.

Actually, now that I think about it, the people of Ohio are much like seals: blubbery, helpless and terrible at sports.

Thanks to the ongoing events in the Gulf of Mexico, we have achieved our dream of being able to run our cars off seawater, like Elisabeth Shue said we could in that movie "The Saint" with Val Kilmer.

Sadly, Lindsay Lohan was sent to jail for the murder of Val Kilmer, after her lawyers couldn't prove that the movie "MacGruber" already murdered him, or that Val Kilmer is actually still alive.

Collectively, the world watched in horror as an alien race known as the "vuvuzela" descended on South Africa, and overtook the populace.

The only thing that stopped them from taking over the world was their fascination with soccer.

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Obviously, the aliens do not have sports where they come from, and were able to find soccer interesting for a whole month.

Luckily, a psychic octopus was able to drive them off.

"Toy Story 3" came out this summer, ending an eleven year wait for those kids who watched the original two and were young enough to truly appreciate it.

Unfortunately, Pixar realized all those kids grew up and decided to make them feel like total jerks about ever giving a toy away.

Also, my roommate Paul was reduced to a blubbering mass by the end credits, sputtering "Andy loves Woody, but knows it's time to let go!"

He asked me not to mention that, but he's late on the rent.

Gainesville and the rest of the East Coast had one of the hottest summers on record.

Myself and everyone else who bought Starcraft 2 didn't notice.

Beyond that, literally nothing at all happened this summer.

If anyone tries to tell you something that didn't show up in this column, then they're lying to you for the purposes of humor because they weren't able to think of anything else to come up with before their deadline.

And so, readers, there it is. The whole summer, laid out for you in probably accurate fashion.

I hope you know how much fun it has been entertaining you guys this summer, as I'm uncertain as to my future in this position, and whether or not it will be available for me when fall rolls around.

To improve my chances, voice your support by saying nothing at all to the higher-ups at the Alligator (to the higher-ups: hope you guys are ready for the overwhelming silence). See you next fall, kids.

Editor's note: Dave Johnson is a great columnist but notoriously hard to reach.

You can express your gratitude (or lack thereof) to him personally at djohnson338@gmail.com. See you in the fall, Dave.

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