Yep, it’s that time of year again.
Time for the peace to end. Time for the streets to crowd. Time for the influx of out-of-towners coming to steal our land, pillage our town and take our women.
OK, maybe not. But there’s still a buttload of you coming for fall semester.
But before you get too comfy in this town, remember that there were people here before you. People who can’t stand some of the things you do. You refer to us affectionately as Alachua County Residents or ACRs.
Growing up in Gainesville and now going to school here, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I used to hate everything about the invading college kids.
Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to drive south of Eighth Avenue on Friday nights because my parents were afraid I’d get plowed into by some drunk sophomore on a moped.
Now that I’m older, I see it from a different angle. Yes, I still think most of you are dummies, and I realize I am, too. But, at least I know how to be considerate of my fellow Gainesvillian.
Now, don’t get the idea that we don’t want you here. Some of you are all right. And let’s face it, you’re the ones who keep our businesses open. The bars would be SOL without you.
But there are a few things you could do to keep me from wanting to hit every BMW with Miami-Dade tags I see cruising down University Avenue. Consider this your ACRs guide to Gainesville:
1. This isn’t Jersey, so don’t drive like it.
I realize that most of you come from some larger city and you’re used to driving like major a-holes, but there’s no reason to show me your manicured middle finger as you zoom past me for going 30 in a 30.
It’s a small town and chances are you’re within three minutes of wherever you’re going. I know I’m sounding very dad-like here, but this isn’t a race.
I should also add that you shouldn’t park your stupid little Vespa knock-off that your landlord gave you in a car-sized parking spot. Not only is it a surefire way to be spotted as someone who’s not from here, it makes us ACRs want to get out of our trucks and kick your scooter over. So, seriously, stop it.
2. Explore the town. It’s a lot cooler than whatever you have planned this weekend.
You might not have noticed, but this place is friggin’ sexy as far as wildlife goes. So, instead of slamming down Four Locos this weekend at a frat party on your first weekend back, go out and look at the stars over Paynes Prairie, go to the springs or check out the deer over at Devil’s Millhopper. There’s tons of things to do here. And chances are, this wildlife won’t try to give you a tour of the frat house that’s sure to end in an awkward, regrettable scooter ride home the next morning.
3. Don’t call us ACRs.
Only we can call each other ACRs.
4. Don’t be a nightcrawler.
I see this all the time. It’s 2 a.m., the clubs just let out and you’re all running around like those Nerf-gun-armed freshmen who play Humans vs. Zombies, only you’re belligerent drunks. It’s every weekend. Cop cars flare their lights, kids scream for attention and the sidewalks reek of beer and puke. It’s like a scene from “I Am Legend.”
This isn’t whatever club scene you have back home. You don’t look cool wearing your bright-colored clothes or your sunglasses at night as you stagger out of Grog House still fist pumping. You just look lost. So keep your Miami out of my Gainesville.
For reference, we ACRs don’t do that. We’re at a friend’s house, wearing jorts, listening to country music and drinking cheap beer, just like you think we are.
5. Befriend an ACR
You probably think none of us actually go to college, but I’m living proof that we do. We are a peaceful people who only want to be left alone and to be less inconvenienced by people who act like hooligans.
But, if you come across a creature from here, be nice. If we think you’re cool enough, we might show you some neat things about the town, show you our favorite swimming hole on the river or hand you a glass of sweet tea.
I know I’ve been a royal jerk in this column, but some of you had it coming. So, take these things into account when you’re out and about this school year.
You’ll probably run across us during our favorite activity: goin’ to Gaterrr fuhtball games! And you can guaran-damn-tee we’ll be there. So if you see one of us, speak slow and act like you understand. We’ll get along just fine.
