Disclaimer: We at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column are not legally allowed to guarantee the results of our picks.
Reading the following section will earn you as much money as you’re willing to “loan” to Las Vegas. That’s a promise.
While watching college football this weekend, you may feel the urge to gamble real-people money, as opposed to that funny money seen at the “How Counterfeiting Works” section of howstuffworks.com. If that’s the case, reading ESPN’s Chad Millman or subscribing to betting-advice websites is understandable.
But, really, you’re wasting your time.
Instructions are simple: look at who made the worst picks last weekend, see who they like this weekend, and pencil in the other team.
Throw down serious money and you’ll have enough cash to buy a game-worn Independence Bowl jersey. Be conservative, and you’ll at least be able to afford a Chris Mullin jersey to fit in with all the other Hoopsters at the next indie-rock festival.
Here’s our first free-money giveaway: one of the following picks will come true. Take it to the bank.
Miami will run a seven-man train on the (+8) spread because:
Anthony Chiang is stumbling through life in a dazed state right now, and no one should be following his lead.
Less than 48 hours after sheepishly admitting he’s a trained salsa dancer, Chiang made the following request from Starbucks: “Get me a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.”
In addition to confusion regarding his sexuality, Chiang’s world is upside down when it comes to sports. He’s a lifelong Miami fan, yet he picked against his Hurricanes this week, a decision he regretted moments later.
Chiang should know better than anyone that Da U won’t be pushed around. Jacory Harris, Damien Berry, Leonard Hankerson and Brandon Harris are the new “7th Floor Crew,” and if you don’t know what goes down on the seventh floor, you’ll get the same unpleasant shock that’s headed toward Buckeyes fans this weekend.
— MIKE McCALL
Ohio State will romp by more than eight points because:
This is an awkward position for me, but I’m taking Ohio State in this one.
Unlike Mike, who would take ECU even if it were favored by 36 points against Alabama, I will use my head on this one.
Miami just hasn’t shown me the consistency over the past couple of seasons to convince me that this is really its year.
Mike, on the other hand, is taking the Hurricanes just because his favorite song, “The Seventh Floor Crew,” is rapped by a couple of their former players.
Think with your head, man — not your heart.
Just for this, you should change your lame-ass column name of “McCallin’ It Like I See It,” to “McCallin’ It Like I Feel It.”
— ANTHONY CHIANG
Now, on to the picks!
In first place with a record of 6-3 is Alligator Assistant Sports Editor Tyler “OMG Look at your status!” Jett, who, despite recently becoming legally allowed to drink, spends his nights in the office waiting for people to leave their Facebook pages unattended so he can paste passages from his slam page in their profiles like a middle-school girl. Burn!
Leading the huge second-place orgy with a 5-4 record is the Gainesville Sun’s Edward “My heaven is filled with supermodels and rum-and-cokes” Aschoff, who ended a rare deep religious discussion among sportswriters with the above statement. Ed, at the rate you’re going, you’ll be lucky to get Roseanne Barr and a Four Loko.
Planted squarely in the 5-4 scrum is the Miami Herald’s Joe “Is ‘True Blood’ new this week?” Goodman, who swears he only watches Vampire shows because its where the chicks are at. That’s respectable, but you crossed the line when you bought those “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” movie tickets more than a year in advance and bathed in a tub of milk and Count Chocula.
Also at 5-4 is Alligator football writer Kyle “Chiddy Bang is the best EVER!” Maistri, who had a brief panic attack this week when he left his iPod in the office. If he doesn’t meet his quota of three hours of Chiddy Bang per day, he gets real ornery.
Next at 5-4 is Alligator football writer Mike “It’s not that hard, just slip her some roofies” McCall, whose post-graduation plans include (a) working at Books-A-Million (b) moving to Atlanta and (c) entrenching himself into a rich family by impregnating their daughter.
Squarely at the bottom of the 5-4 pile is Gatorbait.net’s Keith “We used to stack [expletives] like you five feet high in Korea” Niebuhr, who has been polishing his rifle and practicing Clint Eastwood’s “Get off my lawn” speech from “Gran Torino” in case the Alligator crew parks in his grass before the game Saturday.
In seventh place with a 3-6 record is Alligator Sports Editor Anthony “Although I’m not against it, we’re NOT reuniting” Chiang, who disappointed all his fans when someone hacked his Facebook and promised his friends the Bone Thugs Bosses were getting back together. Search “DJ Khaled I’m So Hood BTB” on YouTube and you will understand everyone’s excitement.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 2-7 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Only three weeks until fall baseball starts!” Jones, whose palms get sweaty as he lies in bed at night, dreaming about new Florida pitcher Karsten Whitson and what it would be like to shake his hand.
