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Sunday, February 05, 2023

Dear Jared,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with the guy I’ve been dating for the past three years. We both decided it was cool to hook up with other people as long as we were open about it. Didn’t think it would be a big deal until he actually slept with another girl, and now I just feel like crap about it. Am I a total hypocrite if I break up with him over it? Or should I give this whole relationship thing another whirl?

Sincerely,

Open for Business

To start, maybe you should be closed for business. Perhaps you both should realize you probably aren’t the best for each other if you’re open to someone else double-dipping his tortilla chip in your once-off-limits brand of queso salsa.

It sounds to me things are probably on their way out anyway, so give the relationship thing another whirl. But with a different guy.

And this time, how about we try someone where swing dancing isn’t an option.

And when I say “dancing,” I mean “humping.”

And besides, no one likes sloppy seconds of day-old salsa.

Dear Jared,

I think I have a problem. I haven’t been with a girl in a while (we’re talking over a year), so I guess you can say I’ve taken this time to embrace my manhood. I masturbate all the time, twice a day minimum, and I’m worried it’s starting to consume my sex life. Sometimes I think about it when I work my schedule, and I’m not so sure if that’s healthy or normal. Am I weird? Creepy?

Signed,

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One Man Show

For one, I commend you on your one-man-show attempt to kill all the kittens in the world. Doesn’t God kill, like, 17 for each time you get off? Congratulations, you’ve killed about Detroit’s population worth of felines since you had your last go at a girl. Bob Barker should be sending you a personal thank-you note any day for helping to end that whole pet overpopulation thing.

Secondly, how’s your hand? I’m worried you might be bruising tendons or inducing carpal tunnel with your Tasmanian Devil vigor.

Then again, I guess we can all be thankful your forearm-building friction habit isn’t harmful to anyone (except for maybe your schlong’s skin) like, you know, unicycling?

Remember that book “Everyone Poops”? Remember when your elementary school teacher used to read it to everyone while we sat uncomfortably in a circle, trying not to think about our teacher pooping?

Well, the same notion stands tried and true for the should-be-published book “Everyone Gets Off.”

Everybody does it, and no one wants to envision his or her teacher doing it. Perhaps twice a day is a little excessive. Perhaps twice a day is borderline synonymous with the force of two sticks making fire after rubbing them together for so long.

As long as your little one-man game of first-to-finish-gets-to-do-it-again doesn’t interfere with your actual love life or becomes your sole love life, then I salute you and your warm-apple-pie pursuits.

Just lie when someone comments on your unusually large, single-sided forearm.

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