Have you ever been in a situation when it was really hard to forgive someone? Forgiveness can be very difficult, especially since it involves giving up the right to feel resentful and vengeful toward someone who wronged you. These feelings are natural and can be explained by their evolutionary benefits. Sometimes it may feel easier to hold onto anger and other negative emotions than to let them go. It may also feel like you are hurting the wrongdoer by denying them forgiveness.
The irony about forgiveness is that, by withholding it, you are merely hurting yourself. Holding onto negative emotions from the past gets in the way of enjoying the present. While it may be impossible to completely erase those memories, forgiveness allows you to transform them into something less painful, or even into something positive.
But how do you fully forgive someone? Everett Worthington, a psychologist who studies forgiveness, developed a five-step model of forgiveness. The acronym “REACH” can help you remember the following steps:
R- Recall the hurt and visualize the event. Take deep breaths and relax, trying to be as objective as you can.
E- Empathize. Try to understand why the transgressor hurt you. Make up a story to understand his or her point of view.
A- Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Offer your gift of forgiveness for the wrongdoer’s own good. Do not do this grudgingly, because that will not help you. Tell yourself how you are rising above vengeance and hurt.
C- Commit yourself to forgive publicly. Tell a trusted friend, write in your diary or write a “certificate of forgiveness.”
H- Hold onto the forgiveness. Memories of the event will rise up later but will hopefully be less painful. Do not dwell on these memories, but rather remind yourself that you have forgiven.
This process is not easy and may take a lot of time to fulfill. Gain encouragement through the knowledge that forgiveness tends to result in the following: less stress, less anger, more optimism, more happiness, better health and an ability to re-establish closeness with the person you forgave. When you truly forgive, you receive the gift of serenity and the ability to move forward. Try it and experience the benefits for yourself.
Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this spring! Unfortunately, this will be my last article of the semester, but I hope to continue writing next fall. Check back in August for more Gator Minds!
