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Sunday, August 14, 2022

If you’re a freshman, the weekday grind of repetitive conversation, handshaking and awkward smiling has left your face, hands and brain a little numb. Then the weekend arrives. You have a glorious Saturday or Sunday ahead of you filled with sleeping, Internet surfing and movie watching on a Netflix account that you probably don’t pay for. However, the problem then arises that you don’t know anything about anything because you’re a freshman — duh. You will probably find yourself weighing one of these general options and, if so, here are some tips to go along with them:

Your best friend’s older brother’s buddy’s roommate is having a kegger, and you got a text invitation. Score.

You should believe most of what movies have taught you about house parties, and remember that the respect you earn from a 30-second keg stand will be tarnished by the pity you receive from the best friend patiently stroking your back an hour later. Most important, fruit punch is to grain alcohol as an invisibility cloak is to Harry Potter, so sip on that hunch punch slowly and cautiously.

You paid $150 for a fake New Hampshire ID, and you’re ready to break it in.

Give it up now. That guy from Miami who promised it would scan, blacklight and pass a lie-detector test is probably lying. Gainesville is not fake-ID-friendly, and, frankly, it’s just not worth it. If you are caught with a fake ID in Florida, it is a felony. If you are caught using somebody’s real ID, it is a misdemeanor charge. Both offenses include a hefty fine. The majority of the people who go out in Gainesville are college-age and from Florida, not New Hampshire, Arizona or Wisconsin, and the bouncers, though thick of body, are not thick of mind.

Girls’ night

The ladies just called, and they have a bottle of Pinnacle waiting for you and a tip from a guy in their sociology class that this club in midtown is chill-as-you-know-what, and it’s free cover for girls until midnight. Basically, if your skirt is short and your heels are high, don’t be alarmed and appalled by the groping — and please don’t fall down.

The Frat Party

Everyone should go once, maybe twice. If you hit thrice, you should probably just rush.

Most important, try to remember that it gets easier.

Plans will fall into place on their own, and you will find your niche in Gainesville as long as you seek it. Sooner than you think, you’ll find yourself watching bad TV with good friends on a Friday night, and it won’t feel lame — it will feel just right.

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