The cover of the October issue of Cosmopolitan advertised not only “78 Crazy-Hot Sex Facts” and “What Your Breasts Need Most at Night,” but in the bottom left-hand corner, next to Zooey Deschanel’s pink-clad thigh, read, “Secrets Even a Good Boyfriend Keeps From You.” I was intrigued.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be massively disappointing.
According to a poll, accompanied by a generic stock photo of an attractive couple gazing into each other’s eyes and laughing, 38 percent of men admitted they “Facebook creep (their) hot female friends,” 26 percent don’t “really like hanging out with your BFF,” 24 percent said their “real answer is ‘Yeah, you kinda do look fat in that dress’ and 12 percent said they “paid way more for that flat-screen TV than you think.”
I couldn’t believe it. This is most certainly not $3.99’s worth of information about the male mind. Either men are hiding something, or they’re a lot more boring than I thought. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Men are boring and dumb. This might seem offensive, but since most men will never know the agony of wearing stiletto heels or trying to pry glitter nail polish off their toenails, I think I’m entitled to a little healthy misandry once in awhile.
The Cosmo piece got me thinking: If men hide incriminating information like this from their girlfriends, what do girlfriends hide from their boyfriends?
The following testimonies are from real women ranging from 18 to 22 years old. Names have been changed to protect the identity of these pretty little liars.
“I eat lemons,” Kate, 19, of Orlando, said. “When we are out at dinner and he isn’t looking, I shove the little lemon wedge I get with my water in my mouth and eat it.”
She said, “I think he would be disgusted (if he knew) because he hates sour foods.”
Allison, 20, of Gainesville, said, “On road trips that last a whole weekend, I’m unable to poop in front of him, so I have to sneak out of the hotel room at night to poop.”
Kendall, 20, of Gainesville, said she used to be afraid of eating in front of her boyfriend.
“I have the metabolism of a grown man,” she said. “I didn’t want to be super intimidating, so I wouldn’t eat as much when we went out — even if I was still hungry.”
Kendall, who recently celebrated her one-year anniversary with her boyfriend, said she’s moved past her fear of out-eating her boyfriend. She comfortably eats three to four plates of food around him now.
Katharine, 22, of Gainesville, said, “I use his razors all the time.”
Kristy, 18, of Sarasota, admitted she and a friend keep a spreadsheet of the package sizes of the men they hook up with.
This all goes to show what I’ve known all along: The healthiest relationships are built on subterfuge and lies. The less your partner knows about you the better. The only thing my boyfriend knows about me is my last name and how I like my coffee – and even that might be too much.
