Kim Kardashian, living brand and professional Beyoncé wannabe, made headlines Dec. 30 when her beau Kanye West announced her pregnancy at a concert in Atlantic City.
According to “Entertainment Tonight,” West sang, “Now you having my baby,” and urged the crowd to congratulate his “baby mom.”
In an interview on Jan. 1, “Entertainment Tonight” asked Kardashian about the pregnancy. Has she encountered morning sickness? Cravings?
“I wouldn’t say it’s been easy,” Kardashian, 32, said. “When people say pregnancy is, like, fun and they love it, I would have to disagree.”
Kardashian is right on with this one, you guys. She’s juggling an unresolved divorce, a Sears’ fashion line, the gargantuan ego of Kanye and the everyday stress of fitting all your Kardashian k-thoughts into a 140-character tweet. The same pregnancy guidelines hawked by the now-outdated “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” don’t quite fit.
In lieu of a baby-shower gift, because my budget won’t allow for any pieces from the Baby Dior at Bergdorf Goodman collection, I offer to you, Kim Kardashian, a brief and accessible overview of pregnancy.
First, you may have questions about the inevitable changes to your body. You may be thinking, “Should I start sewing elastic waistbands into my J Brand jeans? Is it still OK to wear peplum dresses? Will extended wear of Alexander McQueen armadillo heels damage the fetus? Are muumuus really a thing? What’s a cervix?”
Well, there’s no way to dance around it: Your standard diet of D-A-S-H water bottles, edamame and sugarless gum will no longer suffice. Remember, there’s a miniature Kanye growing inside that bandage-dress-wrapped belly.
The sculpted hourglass figure you’re paid to maintain will soon resemble a lumpy potato — embrace it! For the next nine months, look forward to a break from running on the giant hamster wheel that powers the Kris Jenner Empire.
And who knows — maybe a Kardashian maternity line (with possible Jessica Simpson collaboration?) is the perfect opportunity to jump from Sears to the more versatile, lucrative Target.
In addition, you’re probably wondering about matters of exercise, diet and sexual activity. “What about juice cleanses? Will my Bikram yoga practice give my baby a lopsided head? Will my changing body affect my duties as Kanye’s personal Barbie/mannequin? Why am I craving bananas with Tabasco sauce?”
Unfortunately, a hiatus from rigorous activity is what your baby needs. According to “Entertainment Tonight,” you are 12 weeks pregnant, and according to TheBump.com, your fetus is the size of a plum. I shudder to think how that plum would look after a session of Kim Kardashian Fit Into Your Jeans by Friday workout session. Be kind to that plum.
And whatever you do, pay no attention to Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop maternity website. This same woman named her children Apple and Moses and tried to launch a country-music career. In her Goop article, she suggests her favorite brand of $148 faux-leather leggings. Paltrow is ridiculous. Do not ever listen to Paltrow.
Above all, Kim K, I wish you the best of luck.
Remember, nobody is judging you for having a baby. They’re judging you because Kanye announced it in song in front of an audience, your divorce to Kris Humphries hasn’t been consolidated and, according to the “New York Daily News,” your mother is already collecting bids from celebrity magazines for photos of your baby bump and eventual infant.
Oh, and you once said in an interview with “The Guardian” on your pending divorce, “Like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life . . . and I was like, that’s how I feel.”
Happy motherhood.
Chloe Finch is a journalism sophomore at UF. Her column runs on Thursdays. You can contact her via opinions@alligator.org.
