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Saturday, May 25, 2024

Pretty much all of us had to do it at least once. We packed up everything we had — everything that we would need to be real adults — and moved into a dorm. When you check out your soon-to-be-college for the first time, everyone says how great dorms are. They’re so convenient, you’ll get to meet so many people, yadda yadda yadda. But rest assured: Those of you who are high maintenance (or are high maintenance and don’t want to admit it) will wither away in a dorm. Here’s why.

It’s small.

Not small like quaint, not small like cute and not small like comfy. Small like your bed, closet, pseudo-kitchen, office, bathroom and pantry are all in a 10-foot by 10-foot room. A room that could pretty much pass for a jail cell with its brick walls and metal bed frame. Charming, huh?

Two words: “communal bathroom.”

For people who have a lot of siblings or family members living with them, this may not be such a big deal. But to those of you who are only children, or even only had one sibling, walking into a communal bathroom will probably make you cringe. A worker comes in every morning and cleans it, but it’s not enough. As civilized as you may think human beings are supposed to be, they aren’t and it the clues are very evident once you walk into that bathroom and see hidden (or not so hidden) treasures everywhere.

Breaks.

One of the most annoying things about dorms is the fact that over certain class breaks it is mandatory for you to leave. You become a hobo couch surfer or have to go all the way back home.  You may be able to stay during the break, if you pay some ridiculous fee for a dorm for which you already paid a ridiculous amount to live in anyway. Once summer comes around, you have to decide whether you are going to spend a long, excruciating summer back home, sublease with some random weirdos or stay in that damn dorm.

Oh, the joy. Oh, the rapture.

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