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Tuesday, December 07, 2021

On any given Friday, this would be the space where we make a witty aside or use a semi-obscure pop-cultural reference to introduce that week’s edition of Darts & Laurels. Well, we hate to disappoint, but we have nothing of the sort this week. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Just letters, words and sentences to fill up space until we get to the main attraction…which is Darts & Laurels. Yup.

With that incredibly strained and deadpan introduction out of the way, it’s time for this week’s edition of…

Darts & Laurels

We don’t normally talk about Gator football around these parts, but that’s mostly because outside the Sports section, few in the Alligator office have any idea what’s going on at any given moment during a football game. With that said, we know enough to be impressed by last week’s 24-14 victory over the University of South Carolina, further securing our football team’s top spot in the SEC East. Now that we’re ATL bound, we’d like to give Coach McElwain and the entire team a rowdy (and hopefully encouraging) Laurel.

The Oxford Dictionaries "Word of the Year" is the "face with tears of joy" emoji. Jesus Christ. Dart.

With the arrival of Thanksgiving imminent, we can’t help but wonder why we’re bothering to have Monday and Tuesday classes next week, when faculty and students alike know our classrooms are going to be emptier than Donald Trump’s presidential platform. OH! *cue Andrew Dice Clay hand motion*

But seriously, a Dart for whoever made that call. It was a bad call, and you should feel bad.

In March, Reitz Union Board Entertainment brought baby-faced standup comedian John Mulaney to UF for the second annual Big Orange Festival. For those unfamiliar with Mulaney, all you need to know is the following: He created the character of Stefon as a writer for "Saturday Night Live," and his two albums thus far, "The Top Part" and "New in Town," are among the best hours of standup comedy in recent memory. Seriously, "The One Thing You Can’t Replace" off "New In Town" may be one of the greatest standup stories ever told. Those who were able to make it to his performance in March are familiar with his gift for storytelling, propensity to offend and knack for curt, incisive punch lines. On Friday, Netflix began streaming his new special, "The Comeback Kid," and, like his recent UF visit, it’s an incredible hour of comedy. For giving UF students an exclusive eight-months-in-advance peek at his new material, John Mulaney gets a sassy, feminine-hipped Laurel.

On Wednesday, a bookstore called Isis Books and Gifts was vandalized in Denver, Colorado. The property damage was presumably incurred because the vandals thought the bookstore was associated with the Islamic State group, which does not deserve an introduction. For embodying American "greatness" and not bothering to brush up on their Egyptian gods and goddesses, these vandals get a Dart.

The Coca-Cola Freestyle (ugh, corporate hipness) machine at the Relish on West University Avenue gets a Dart. We don’t know when those things started offering Dasani, a Coke product, as its sole H2O offering, nor do we know how many machines are now doing it, but it’s offensive and we want no part of it. We’re disheartened and dismayed that it was Relish that had to be the bearers of such weird, confusing news. Coke, get your shit together and put tap water back on the menu.

Last, but certainly not least, a Laurel goes to Carly Simon for finally confirming at least some of "You’re So Vain" was about Warren Beatty. Stay fabulous, Ms. Simon.

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