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Thursday, May 23, 2024

Free birds, Bernie supporters and Portland, Oregon: The only thing possibly more hippie-liberal is Bob Marley delivering a Hendrix-signed guitar to Che Guevara while driving a quinoa-and-kale-fueled smart car littered with “Imagine” and “co-exist” paraphernalia. Clearly the latter only resides in the daydreams of those who take bathroom breaks during work at precisely 4:20 p.m. However, the former actually took place on Friday: A cute, little bird landed on Bernie’s stage and then flew atop his podium during his rally speech. Some view the appearance of this bird as a sign of providence, of Bernie’s pure-hearted candidacy, Mother Nature’s Princess Leia appealing to Bernie to say, “Help me Bernie-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope”: not us at the Alligator.

No, we don’t take our cues from the lamestream liberal media. While Bernie may have referred to the birdie as “a dove asking for world peace,” we take our role as journalists seriously by following the evidence and exploring the validity in every possible angle, casting our presumptions aside. Every other news outlet’s coverage of this spectacle is framed in awe and positivity. We, on the other hand, question whether this appearance is actually a bad omen for the country, and possibly humanity — an affront by bird-kind against mankind.

If you examine the empirical evidence put forth by bird lore and mythology, you’ll find a number of revelations that should very well cause us all to re-examine what transpired Friday. For example, a bird flying into your house is commonly associated with an imminent death in the family. Figuratively speaking, Bernie’s rallies serve as an intellectual, political home for his supporters, which then begs the question: Who in the Bernie family has this bird targeted? And given the size of Bernie’s political family and the turnout rate at his rallies, the bird may have in fact targeted a large group of innocent civilians, not just a single individual. Or perhaps this is a sign of the biblical end of days — birds being swept away from the air and descending upon the earth. Ask your neighborhood animal sciences major: This is all true.

Now some of you might think this train of thought makes absolutely no sense and is clearly a form of the logical fallacy post hoc, ergo propter hoc (because of this, therefore this). Maybe it is. But who needs such training in “logic” or “reasoning” when we have the Internet to protect us from falsehoods and inaccurate banter? Anyway, we digress.

The point is, heed this “Birdie Sanders” phenomenon with serious caution. First a bald eagle nearly attacked Trump at his desk back in August during a photoshoot; now we have a bird confronting Bernie face to face: They’re going after our leaders. Not only that, but bird migration patterns have shifted over the years to where many birds are now venturing into new territories. Scientists tell us this is because of climate change, but we don’t know what those scientists are hiding. We may very well be witnessing an uprising from the bird community like no other.

For too long we’ve grown complacent with birds and their cuteness. We must be vigilant in this brazen threat to our national security, which is why we’d recommend a temporary ban on all birds from entering the country until we’ve figured out just exactly what’s going on. It’s time we reclaim our skies from those winged, uncultured beasts.

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