Celine Dion. Geddy Lee. Warren Moon’s career. Drake (the rapper, not the Nickelodeon TV star). And hockey.
Honestly, what’s not to like about Canada? It doesn’t go to war (unless the US tells it to), its main export is maple syrup (I may have just made that up) and Canadian Football League teams only get three downs, plus their fields are longer.
Thursday is Canada Day, and I’ll be showing pride for “America’s hat” by painting myself red, white and maple syrup.
While most of us know that you can order Chinese food — from China — quicker than you can get an ambulance in Canada, what else is important to know about the nation that burned Washington, D.C., to the ground in the War of 1812?
Admittedly, Canada is America’s joke. Canada is the Jan Brady to America’s Marcia.
Everybody always talks about Marcia, but no one notices Jan.
Not to mention the fact Canada has plagued millions of teenage girls with the most painful disease since gonorrhea – Bieberitis.
Canada may be pacifists, but if they don’t get a hold of the 16-going-on-12-year-old, vocally-challenged star, then there’s going to be a musical war of Tupac vs. Notorious B.I.G. proportions.
Then there’s Canada’s perpetual whining minority: the Quebecois.
All the maddening Canucks have to do is complain, and the rest of Canada gives in to them.
Sound like another minority that is constantly complaining in America? (Yes, I’m talking about the politically correct, far-left, anti-everything, we-don’t-watch-South-Park idiots.)
And UF, the beacon of cultural education and learning about the world, does a bang-up job of teaching Gators about America’s neighbor.
The only regularly offered classes you can take at UF about Canada are Canadian politics and geography of the United States and Canada. Neither of those are offered this fall.
But don’t worry, just because Canada is the second largest nation in the world in land mass and our neighbor doesn’t mean we should know anything about it.
We just need to know how to make funny jokes about the globally insignificant allies of everyone. And we get that knowledge by listening to Weird Al’s “Canadian Idiot.”
Why should college graduates even know how many provinces Canada has (10 provinces, three territories) or when they earned complete independence from England (it was 1982)?
All that’s important to know is that Sidney Crosby stole a gold medal from the USA. And that’s un-American.
But if you want an excuse to light off fireworks a few days early, then you need to know at least a few things about Canada Day.
Canada doesn’t have a real national anthem. They have three official versions of “O Canada,” but whenever they feel like it, they change it again. It can be made more militaristic or casual depending on the setting. So instead of singing the official “O Canada,” make up your own lyrics.
If you’re feeling patriotic, try watching the Toronto Blue Jays, because believe it or not Canada has been at war with America since 1977, when the Jays began playing in Major League Baseball.
If you want to defend American pride, then pray Canada doesn’t take over America’s game when the Blue Jays take on the Cleveland Indians.
Canada Day symbolizes the start of the Canadian Football League. How genius is that?
Why don’t we start the NFL on the Fourth of July? It would definitely make me feel a lot more American. But since we don’t have any good, hard-hitting American football on the Fourth of July, watch the CFL and appreciate its hose-headed, yet challenging demeanor.
Andrew Pantazi is a journalism senior.