It’s been a long week. Actually, a long month. You decided to treat yourself (again), and hit the town with friends. After a long night of… never mind, it doesn’t matter, you flop face-first into bed and curl up in your plush comforter for some long deserved sleep. But, you don’t get to sleep in as planned.
The next three hours are spent tossing and turning, tossing and turning. You crack one eye open to check the time on your phone. 4 a.m. Ugh. Your stomach rumbles. You knew you should’ve gone to McDonald’s before calling the Uber. Another rumble. The emptiness in your stomach becomes unbearable, so you decide to take the L and walk to the kitchen.
So you’re stumbling down the hall, deciding not to turn on the lights to not wake up your roommates. You swing the pantry open and blindly reach in. What feels like a box of cereal hits your fingertips. You grab some oat milk and make yourself a hearty 4:15 a.m. snack. (Yes, it took 15 minutes to get to the kitchen.)
The first bite is good. Mm, sweet. The next bite, though, is a little salty. The third bite is spicy, so spicy it burns your tongue. What is this?
You flick the lights on to read the box. Oh no. You choke down the last bite, the spoon dropping from your hand. The box wasn’t full of cereal, at all. It’s…. It’s…..
DARTS AND LAURELS
Another day, another bizarre celebrity couple PR stunt. Singers Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello shocked social media by posting an absolutely terrible video of them kissing with a lot of tongue. And face. It’s just a lot. A dart for Mendes and Cabello for tainting our Twitter timelines. We think The Black Sheep UF Twitter account said it best: They look like freshmen making out at Grog.
In other celebrity news, President Donald Trump referred to Chrissy Teigen as John Legend’s “foul mouthed wife” in another Twitter rant. A laurel for Teigen for having to put up with his harassment after speaking her mind. You do you, Chrissy. Keep the brunch recipes coming. We’re sending a dart to the president for not minding his own business.
Maybe he should focus on comprehensive gun control legislation as much as he’s focused on vaping. Yes, we will give the Trump administration the slightest bit of a laurel for cracking down on an industry (mostly Juul) that clearly markets toward young people.
Now, let's pivot to chicken. The Popeye’s chicken sandwich is still taking over the world, despite multiple shortages. A dart goes to Popeyes for trying to fix their sandwich issues by asking customers to bring their own buns. Popeyes, what makes you think that we’re just carrying our buns around? You know who would never disrespect the public like that? KFC. Speaking of the colonel, KFC Australia just announced that they’re offering a chance to have food, decorations and supplies provided to six couples’ weddings through May 2020. A laurel goes to this chicken joint for supporting love and our addiction to their 11 herbs and spices.
Finally, a dart to the ferry that kicked off innocent Bahamians who were trying to enter the U.S. after Hurricane Dorian wreaked havoc on the island. Any Bahamian on the boat found without a U.S. visa was told to disembark. While the ferry operator issued an apology, we’re still upset that he picked that moment to try to get “proper authorization.”