They're really obscure. You've probably never heard of them.
They've grown strong. They have cluttered the grounds of Gainesville, evolving from the primordial grass roots of their ancestors.
The enemies of our past have changed with the times. They are no longer the simple, passive, drug-abusing, tie-dyed, nomadic, sexually deviant, environmentally-conscious, "free loving," smelly, barefoot degenerates of yore.
A new generation has embraced the mindset of hippies and blended it with arrogance. They mark themselves with inked astrological symbols. They treat Pabst Blue Ribbon as if it is the gods' ambrosia. They describe themselves by rare artistic expressions created by other people, never by any personal merit. Without any visual impairment, they equip large black framed glasses for cosmetic purposes alone. They have androgynous hairstyles that can confuse even the most effeminate.
"You haven't heard of the band Moonlit Rose Petals? You know nothing of fine arts."
Society calls these creatures "hipsters."
How did they come to be? Long ago, when hippies were cast into the dredge of society, an acid trip among members of the Council of Free Love resulted in a random thought that, contrary to hippie nature, turned out to be genius. The plan was to isolate the central characteristics of hippie culture as a "sleeper gene" in the genetic code of their offspring. First generation children of hippies showed no apparent signs of "free-love" hippie bullshit. When prompted with any aspect of the hippie mentality, these children felt the burn of evil across their skin and vomited profusely, as is the normal reaction to hippie sentiments. With no hippie characteristics, these men and women became perfectly acceptable, successful members of society.
But the hippies had planned for this. The sleeper gene emerged in the following generation. The "free-love" sentiment of hippies, although nauseating, was never capable of caustic destruction. Somewhere in transcription, "free-love" was lost and elitist entitlement, obscurity and the arrogant assumption of individual supremacy was attained.
Hey, it could be worse. It could be Scientology.
Luckily, hipsters are not driven to any type of solidarity or teamwork. Hipsters are incredibly self-centered and currently lack the focus to infect the masses. Luckily their funding is better spent on improving their collection of ironic T-shirts.
They infiltrate new technological regions of society that hippies were incapable of infesting. They defile the Internet with blogs pertaining to the urgency behind their pretentiousness. They punish right-minded individuals with a complete denial of rationality and logic, choosing to endorse whining and bitching as the sole means of action. Anything less than Nietzsche is considered paltry. A hipster believes that anyone who disagrees is an ignorant fool even though hipster logic is based not at all on evidence or facts and solely on emotions and "gut feelings." Hipsters are intellectually snobbish even though they lives rely on factors that ironically contain nothing intellectual. Whereas hippies held hands and spoke of peace, hipsters dedicate their lives to competitive elitism.
With very few actions, we can approach the dramatic conquest of an evil enemy a la Independence Day only with less explosions.
As long as you stay strong. If you become infected, once you notice the tell-tale signs of douchebaggery, it will be too late.
I sense dark times ahead. The End of Days is coming. Expect an all-out war.
But, make sure to be on the right side.
Shea Ford is a psychology senior at UF. His column appears on Tuesdays.
