Normally, Fridays are reserved for Darts & Laurels. But today, the Alligator would like to dedicate this editorial to the survivors of sexual assault, the victim advocates, nurses and detectives who work to heal survivors.
It’s a beautiful world and a wonderful life, but these are also times of great civil unrest. Tensions between civilians and police, institutionalized racism and movements like “Occupy Wall Street” and “Fight for $15” are sobering reminders of such unrest. In light of all this strife, you’d think when a noteworthy example of nonviolent civil disobedience arises, there’d be relentless cable news coverage of it, right? Right?
Over the past few weeks, it appeared as though Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton were about ready to channel a Mortal Kombat-level deathmatch over each other’s qualifications. The fire may have subsided, but many voters, including us Alligator staffers, still wonder: Is either Sanders or Clinton truly qualified to be president? Better yet, what does it mean to be “qualified”?
We live in a world full of myths. Never mind the tales of an undercover spy, or so-called “fairy” (likely Soviet-trained) sneaking into our children’s bedrooms to do Lord knows what with their precious teeth or the tales of a puppet hiding behind his nasal mutation to cover up his habitual dishonesty. No, we want to highlight supposedly truthful claims and offer a reminder of their unfounded foundations.
Bathrooms: For some, they’re a sanctuary of privacy from incessantly annoying roommates. For others, they inspire a frantic cleaning spree before an unexpected visit from mom and dad. But for those in the transgender community, bathrooms represent civil struggle.
We live in a world full of myths. Never mind the tales of Japanese-animated Italian-American plumbers loading up on mushrooms and picking fights with fire-breathing dinosaurs, nor the tales of an undocumented bunny who can’t keep track of his eggs. (And why do we insist on sending our children to pick up after his mess?) No, what we wish to discuss is the collection of falsehoods so many of us commonly accept as “probably true.”
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, life takes it all up a notch. Everyone knows this election season has not been unlike mint-flavored Oreos: an endless cycle of frustration and disappointment. Yet, last week we may have finally witnessed the craziest accusation of 2016.
So, the season six finale of “The Walking Dead” happened Sunday night. Wasn’t it crazy? Wasn’t it intense? There’s so much to discuss about this series, in fact, that AMC Networks created a talk show centered around it called “Talking Dead.” You all probably know this, because the talk show has come on just after the most recent episode of “The Walking Dead” since the premiere of season two in 2011. AMC has copy-pasted this formula a few times: “Talking Saul” parallels “Better Call Saul” and “Talking Bad” paralleled “Breaking Bad.” The network’s got a knack for creating whole subcultures around these shows, which is really a double-edged sword.
With less than three weeks left of classes for the semester, some of you are getting ready to head home, backpack through Europe or earn some cash with a summer job. But there is an unfortunate group of Gators stuck in Gainesville (or attending another state university as a transient student) to fulfill the state requirement of Summer semester classes. A moment of silence, please.
Hello, world: This is your Alligator opinions editor, David, chiming in on Trevor Noah’s set. Now, some of you might be wondering why this editorial’s being written in the first-person rather than from the perspective of the entire staff. Well, most of us stayed put at the office to turn out this paper for you, so it’d be a little strange for me to represent an opinion we don’t all necessarily have. And secondly, as with any relationship, be it boyfriend and girlfriend, spouse and spouse, newspaper and audience — you know, the truest of romances — a little spontaneity and new energy can be revitalizing. So, without further ado: How about that Trevor Noah set?
This is a shout-out to the ladies out there, to all of the unexpectedly adorned mothers and regretful soon-to-be baby daddies: We apologize. We apologize on behalf of our state legislature and Gov. Rick Scott, who signed the wide-sweeping anti-abortion bill into law Friday. Now our Sunshine State is on the path to joining other states, such as Texas and Mississippi, with oppressive anti-abortion legislation in circulation or already in place.
We live in a world full of myths. Never mind the tales of full-grown, orphaned men laying waste to our city streets in fighting over who can pull off the better tights-and-cape combo, or the tales of bewildered country leaders decrying man-induced climate change a hoax by bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor during a committee hearing. (Wait, that might have actually happened last year with a certain Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla.)
Free birds, Bernie supporters and Portland, Oregon: The only thing possibly more hippie-liberal is Bob Marley delivering a Hendrix-signed guitar to Che Guevara while driving a quinoa-and-kale-fueled smart car littered with “Imagine” and “co-exist” paraphernalia. Clearly the latter only resides in the daydreams of those who take bathroom breaks during work at precisely 4:20 p.m. However, the former actually took place on Friday: A cute, little bird landed on Bernie’s stage and then flew atop his podium during his rally speech. Some view the appearance of this bird as a sign of providence, of Bernie’s pure-hearted candidacy, Mother Nature’s Princess Leia appealing to Bernie to say, “Help me Bernie-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope”: not us at the Alligator.
Istanbul and Ankara in Turkey and, now, Brussels: three major cities devastated by terrorist attacks in the past two weeks alone, resulting in the deaths of so many innocents and leaving countless more injured. In fact, since November’s attacks in Paris, Beirut and Baghdad, hundreds of terrorist attacks claimed by groups such as the Islamic State, al-Shabbab and al-Qaeda affiliates have wreaked devastation in communities and cities across the world. These desperate times call for us to stand together in solidarity, in unity and in peace, much like the vigils and demonstrations of empathy we’ve so graciously seen in broadcasts and on our news feeds. Unfortunately, this is not all we’ve seen.
Sunday’s events have left many of us here at the Alligator heavy-hearted. We’ve reported on more student deaths and tragedies this semester than we can care to count, yet 16-year-old Robert Dentmond’s death is particularly troubling for us to discuss.
We live in a world full of myths. Never mind the tales of wizarding, wand-wielding British schoolchildren or the large, bearded serial home invader who descends into our chimneys every Christmas Eve, hoarding our good cookies and seducing our children with presents crafted through elven labor. Those aren’t myths; they’re objectively true phenomena.
A little more than a week ago, the country stood in awe as former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson rose from the dead — or at least partially awoke from his constant state of slumber — to endorse Mein Drumpf as the Republican nominee. While some are caught up in whether this is a Chris Christie-like attempt at securing a vice presidency or cabinet position, we at the Alligator have taken this opportunity to look back critically at Carson’s campaign. After intensive study and research, we’ve conclusively diagnosed him with the Benjamin Carson disease.
We at the Alligator would like to dedicate this editorial to Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office Deputy John Robert Kotfila Jr.
With Florida’s presidential primaries and Gainesville city elections finally over, we can take a sigh and briefly shift focus toward a non-political issue worthy of discussion: Spider-Man. For those actually invested in the real world who may not have heard the breaking news from last week, Marvel Studios released a new trailer for “Captain America: Civil War,” which featured the return of everyone’s friendly, neighborhood web-slinger. This is now the third movie installment of Spidey, which automatically raises a number of concerns for all of us, particularly for an anxious opinions edito — uh, many staffers at the Alligator.
It’s the fight of the century: Gainesville city elections, in which residents will vote for candidates for mayor and District 4 city commissioner.
Solutions by The State News
