Everyone sober yet? No? All right then.
The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party saw plenty of highs and lows for each side, with more lows coming in the parking lots before and after the game. You could practically taste the bourbon in the cool Jacksonville air.
That’s kinda the mood for the rest of the country coming into Week 10. Iowa got drunk off safeties and barfed the game away against Penn State. USF got dealt a severe hangover with its first loss. Missouri passed out in its rocking chair after holding an intoxicating lead over Kentucky.
But you don’t read our weekly picks column for the slightly buzzed games. No, you’re here for black-out sh** shows. That’s what FAU-FIU is probably gonna be.
Before we meet our competitors, sports editor Morgan McMullen and assistant sports editor Jake Dreilinger debate this debauchery of a game.
FIU (-3) will win because…
James. Effing. Morgan.
Remember that name. Out of all the quarterbacks in the state of Florida, he has the highest passer rating, and it’s not even close. He has torched C-USA defenses all season, and he’ll do it again Saturday. The only other QB in the state who comes close to glancing at Morgan’s greatness is UCF’s McKenzie Milton, but even that’s a stretch. Milton has 119 completions on 200 pass attempts. That’s not bad.
Morgan has 131 on one more attempt. That’s while splitting time with his backup throughout the first half of the season. Oh, and he’s thrown for 19 scores and just four picks.
Coach Butch Jones has this program ahead of schedule in the rebuilding process. He’ll add another brick to that job with the decimation of the Owls.
FAU (+3) will win because…
Lane Kiffin is a master at the art of trolling.
Everyone remembers when he threw shade at Tennessee about it’s trouble finding a head coach before the season began. Or when he poked fun at Nick Saban, someone who mentored him at Alabama.
But in all seriousness, the man can coach. Well, most of the time.
FAU is 3-5 this year. It was close in some games and not so much in others, but the Owls did take a commanding win over Old Dominion, a team that shocked the world with a win over No. 10 Virginia Tech.
Quarterback Chris Robison has thrown for 1,645 yards and eight touchdowns, and running back Devin Singletary has run for 837 yards and 15 touchdowns.
When both of the Owls’ stars are playing well, FAU poses a huge challenge for any team it faces. Both Robison and Singletary will show up on Saturday.
Now onto the picks…
In a tie for first at 38-34 is Alanis “What is this bulls***” Thames, who erupted in a fiery, hunger-fueled rage when she saw what food was being catered for the media at the Florida-Georgia game. I’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t anything close to the potroast Tennessee had or the brisket Mississippi State served. Nope. Some good old-fashioned deli sandwiches. Guess you can’t escape some things in life, Alanis.
Also in first is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “I’m a basketball reporter now” Hall, who instead of going to Tuesday media, attended UF's exhibition game against Florida Southern. Make up your mind, Graham. We really missed you at Tuesday’s media because you’re always the butt of the joke. Then again, Mark Long wasn’t there either, so the entertainment factor was less than it is normally.
In a tie for third at an even 36-36 is Gator Country’s Nick “Wedding Halftime Q&A” de la Torre, who was at a friend’s wedding this weekend and missed the Florida-Georgia game. But don’t worry Gators fans, Nick was still around to do his halftime Q&A! Too bad every question had something to do with the game. You know, the game you didn't attend.
Rounding out third is Jake “I need notes in a hurry” Dreilinger, who asked for class notes two hours before Tuesday’s exam. Jake, you had an entire week to study, yet you wait 120 minutes before test time to ask your classmates for chunks of missing material. Your fearless nature to wait until the last minute is truly amazing.
Coming in at fifth with a 35-37 record is Morgan “What’s the budget?” McMullen, who budgeted three features to fill less than three pages for this sports section. We get it Morgan, you wanted to impress the returning alumni. Maybe use some size nine font to fit it all in.
In a tie for sixth at 34-38 is Mark “Alberta wants me” Stine, who is convinced Florida Gators mascot Alberta is sending him mixed signals. “Alberta’s sending mad signals with that cheerleader uniform,” Stine said. He has since claimed it’s just the lipstick, but still, kinda creepy. Mark, we don’t mean to be the bearers of bad news, but it’s time for you to move on.
Also tied for sixth is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “You can’t leave postgame media” Thompson, who, in addition to refusing to allow CeCe Jefferson to leave his postgame interview in Jacksonville, decided to dip early before Feleipe Franks could speak. Hey Edgar, we get that Franks is a terrible quote after a loss, but c’mon man. Let CeCe run free. His performance against the Bulldogs was already bad enough, he doesn’t need you telling him about it 40 times.
In dead last at 32-40 is the AP’s Mark “Same roast as Edgar” Long. Just look at Edgar’s roast if you want to know why we are poking fun at Mark’s expense. They did the exact same thing. Aren’t two-for-one roasts fun?