“The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet — it's yours.” Ann Coulter
Last week, my friends and I had the pleasure of enjoying the newly offered Safari Weekend at Paynes Prairie. As venture capitalists, we see this as a distinct economic opportunity for the state to attract investment and put our natural resources to good, adequate use.
Upon arrival at the park gate, two international students from Africa, dressed in African clothing and playing African instruments, greet you at the entrance to the park. The safari starts with a welcome reception at the Governor’s Club, inaugurated last year by Gov. Rick Scott, the spearhead of this project. The Governor’s Club itself is phenomenal with its wood paneling, stone fireplace and most impressive collection of handguns and rifles, including the one Jeb Bush put on Twitter.
Tim Tebow, the game coordinator of the safari, begins the evening with a brief history of Paynes Prairie, which until last year remained a barren wilderness, its capital potential completely untapped.
The welcoming dinner, and all the meals for that matter, was simply exquisite. The old invasive species on the prairie have since been corralled into a small reserve and are managed and slaughtered on site. The bison steak paired perfectly with a glass of Golan Heights Syrah (Israel, 2014) and compared favorably to a steak I had once in the Trump Tower with some Goldman Sachs executives and then-Secretary Clinton.
The lodging is quite exceptional: African tapestries and zebra pelts complement the wood paneling and open floor plan. I got such a good night’s sleep on that mattress; couldn’t really understand the broken English of the room attendant, but I think it had Siberian goose feathers in it.
The safari itself starts with a quick ride around the park, now much more attractive than before. The marshy areas have been replaced with African-style watering holes, the herds of bison, deer and wild horses replaced by the big five: elephant, rhino, water buffalo, leopard and lion. There is a considerable amount of zebras and ostriches, some warthogs and my wife’s favorite: giraffes. They also replaced the alligators with Nile crocodiles to make it more authentic.
The first day we just drove around and took pictures, joking that it was like being in a combination of Lion King, Avatar and Jurassic Park, without even going to Africa and getting malaria!
The real adventure starts the second day when you decide if you’ll use a crossbow or a sniper rifle. I’m a close combat hunter so I chose the crossbow. The lions are kept in an enclosed area in the middle of the park. The guide, who trained in Zimbabwe, lured one lion away from the pride toward the far end of the enclosure, at which point I shot it dead and left it to bleed.
The guides collected the lion with a giant claw, and the head was mounted on site.
The next day we traveled over to the elephant enclosure, and my son shot a big bull on his third try! I’m going to make him a pipe and refit the handle to his favorite pistol to give to him as a gift upon graduating from UF next year with his MBA.
All in all, the adventure was one of a lifetime; I can’t believe I almost went to Africa when I could have the same experience here without the long flights, untrustworthy souvenir-hawking natives who don’t even speak English, and disease and violence risk.
I highly encourage all fun-loving sportsmen to pursue a safari at Paynes Prairie. The experience is unparalleled, and investment opportunities are even available.
Kudos to the governor and private investors for not surrendering to inane conservatism and the tired policies that had kept all this revenue from the people of the great state of Florida. As the sign says when you leave, hakuna matata!
Jordan MacKenzie is a second-year UF linguistics master’s student. His column appears on Wednesdays.
