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Thursday, March 30, 2023

We're starving. The thought of eating another meal out of a box, bag or can is enough to make out stomachs turn. So we're holding out for the gluttonous pleasure that is epitomized in the Thanksgiving meal.

And the rest of the world wonders why we're such a fat country. We blame it solely on the pilgrims. But as for our personal hunger strike, we hope to lose a few pounds from dehydration and muscle atrophy before we gain three times of it back from gorging ourselves this weekend. But as we count down the minutes until our Thanksgiving feast, we can't seem to get our minds off of food - and we don't know why. So if you're still in town dreaming of your own dinner, try not to drool on this week's salty-creamy-crunchy-sweet-savory-saucy-spicy-tender edition of…

Darts & Laurels

It's been a short week, but that doesn't mean we don't have plenty of stuff to praise or complain about. We love complaining almost as much as we love pie. On that note, we throw a we-hope-you-find-lumps-in-your-mashed-potatoes DART to the University of Georgia Bulldogs for ruining the Gators' hopes of going to the Southeastern Conference title game not once, but twice this season. We're not bitter or anything, but a team that rushed the endzone after a first-quarter touchdown because their coach told them to - and laughed on the sideline as it happened - does not have any class and does not deserve to be a contender for the SEC championship. Hopefully Tennessee will pull through so we don't have to worry about seeing another display of poor sportsmanship in Atlanta next weekend.

Up next, we give a now-that's-the-whipped-cream-on-the-pumpkin-pie LAUREL to UF's No. 2 ranking by Thanks to our wealth of cute co-eds and our giant stadium, among other factors, UF is the second-best place to attend college. We're not biased or anything, but we don't think Pennsylvania State University, the No. 1 college, holds a candle to our fair campus. Come on. It's much easier to be cute in a miniskirt and a tank top than in a parka, ski cap, mittens and long underwear.

And now we have a who's-the-bigger-turkey, you-or-the-one-in-the-oven? DART to Alberto Gonzales, the former U.S. attorney general who Accent brought to speak Monday night. We darted him last week for some of his requests to Accent (which the organization denied), but now we dart him for what he's done. Condoning torture in violation of the Geneva Conventions and firing nine U.S. attorneys for reasons he cannot remember are what most of the speech's attendees probably wanted to hear him speak about, but instead he spoke about living the American Dream. Yeah, we've never heard that one before.

Accent brought Gonzales to stir up controversy, and that he did. We've got a no-pie-for-you DART for the protesters who decided to cause enough of a scene to get themselves arrested by taking to the stage in the middle of the speech. But not all the protesters were out of line, so we give them an extra-slice-of-pie LAUREL for being respectful while making their point.

We love animals, so of course we've got to give a he'd-pardon-more-turkeys-than-any-president LAUREL to Jack Hanna, the world-famous zookeeper and wildlife conservationist. He spoke Tuesday in Gainesville and recorded an episode of his show "Jack Hanna's Animal Adventures" at the SFCC Teaching Zoo. Most of us probably grew up watching Hanna and his menagerie, so it's an honor that he'd come to Gainesville.

We have to mention this week's football game before we pass out from a loss of nutrients, so we give a we-hear-Seminole-tastes-great LAUREL to the great matchup we anticipate in The Swamp this weekend. We know you want to watch the game, so stay safe this weekend on the roads.

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