After the first hint of the holiday season, I'm beginning to notice that girlfriend-shaped empty space by my side. Sure, Halloween may not be the most romantic of all holidays, but something about seeing all those girls in slutty cat costumes awakened my companionship instinct.
So here you go, ladies. I'm looking for a special someone with a lot of patience and money, and it could be you! Below I've included some of my finer attributes for your perusal, and please, no crazies.
Let's start off with the looks department. I'm skinny and extremely weak, so don't worry about me beating you up like those brutish deadbeat husbands on the Lifetime channel. My face is boring and unmemorable, so you won't have any trouble forgetting it after we break up from another forgotten birthday.
I'm tall, white and blonde enough to win the approval of your racist parents.
I also understand how important the date is in the courtship process. Every night's a date night for me because I don't cook. Dates aren't much fun alone, so I could use a pretty lady to share my $4 potato skins from T.G.I. Friday's.
She better go Dutch, though. I ain't made of money, honey.
If you're looking for more than the traditional "appetizers and a pirated movie," I'm game for a more dangerous outing.
Just picture it. You riding on the handlebars of my bike, humming sweetly. Me remembering that the brakes don't work and swerving into a hedge. Both of us flying through the air and landing affectionately on top of one another, leading to passionate, animalistic love-making on your elderly neighbor's front lawn.
Best of all, I understand how the modern woman doesn't want to be forced into the stay-at-home mom role. As a future writer, nothing would make me happier than a woman who's cool with going to work for me.
I'm not good with kids, though, so you may want to take them with you. Maybe they can help around the office.
So there you have it. A full package like this doesn't come around too often, so take advantage of it while you can. I know you don't want to be alone on the holidays either.
I'm all yours.
