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Sunday, June 23, 2024

About two weeks ago, I bought a new bicycle. I can be seen spastically maneuvering around campus, maxing at 10 mph and periodically falling flat on my uncoordinated ass. The whole experience has been exhilarating, but it became enlightening a few days ago when I took a trip to Walmart.

On my way there, a truck slowed next to me and an old man hung out the passenger's side. He released a catcall so loud that I almost toppled off my seat and into the bushes. As I kept pedaling with the wind smacking my red cheeks, I wondered what provokes men to make these ridiculous gestures.

Say I ignored the fact that the man looked older than my father and that the truck's bed could easily conceal a dead body. Did this stranger actually think that hollering at an unexpected woman would be an effective way to pick her up?

Although this is America, not everything is as convenient as a Burger King drive-thru. When it comes to getting women, you have to at least get out of your car to have it your way.

A guy once told me that he keeps crumpled papers with his name and number scribbled on them on the floor of his car. When he passes a hot woman on the street, he throws one at her.

I didn't stay friends with him long enough to discover if his method was effective.

Honking, whistling and tossing debris at female pedestrians will not only alarm them, but it will make you look like a baboon howling out of a car window. Or even worse - a creeper. Plus, I'd argue that 99 percent of the time you'll either receive a dirty look or a middle finger, and you will drive away without any hope of a potential hookup.

Maybe hollering brings men the same thrill that I get while I'm on my bicycle. I'm not trying to ruin your fun. I just want you to know that there are better ways to show your approval that don't involve me crashing into a tree or you getting sprayed with Mace in the eyes.

So next time you crack your window open because you see something you like on University Avenue, roll it back up, because Gwen Stefani said it best when she confirmed that she "ain't no hollaback girl."

And the girl you are about to whistle at probably isn't either.

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