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Sunday, June 23, 2024

She says...

As a girl who has found herself in the position of the cheater, the cheated on and the notorious “other girl,” I have an educated opinion on adulterous activities.

Cue the Pat Benatar.

Yes, being cheated on blows. From what I haven’t blocked out, I remember it as one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. But, as they say, what goes around comes around -- I ended up getting retribution by cheating on him three different times.

Although cheating back probably wasn’t the most humane way to handle a breakup, it got the job done. The result was realizing that as much as we thought we wanted to be together, we just weren’t right for each other, which led to outside “interests” amid attempting to keep us alive.

I’m sure there are some of you thinking, “I would never  cheat.” But trust me, unless you’re all-knowing and all-seeing or you’re one of those weirdos who are sober all the time, chances are that one day you’ll be bored enough to do something cruel yet delicious, like getting humped in a hammock at that party your boyfriend was too tired to attend.

Cheating is one of those things that happens to almost everyone in some capacity. Some of us are lucky enough to meet and marry our soul mates early on, escaping the world of dating and singledom unscathed. But most of us, me included, have a harder road ahead, one full of bad decisions and broken hearts for all involved.

In the dating game, cheating, like war, is sometimes a necessary evil.

He says...

Carrie Underwood could probably kick my ass. Thankfully, I don’t think she’ll ever be forced to carve her name in my leather seats.

But I can’t promise I haven’t slow danced with someone else’s bleached-blond tramp before we got frisky.

Thankfully, I’ve never been on the receiving end of Ms. Underwood’s, nor any other baseball-bat-wielding spouse’s temper, when he or she found out I was “the other girl.”

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Mainly because no one except a certain bleached-blond tramp and I knew about how we got frisky. But I’m really not sorry.

And all of you who have the chance to score with someone as hot as I did should feel proud rather than guilty. Sure, you might have just thrown any hopes of monogamy out the window with a teeth-gnawing tear of a condom wrapper and a liquor-laced evening, but Pat Benatar said it right:  “Love is a battlefield.”

A dirty, bedsheet-sticking kind of war where friends spend more time taking the knives out of their backs than worrying about the rules of war.

It’s not every day you get seduced by a pair of icy blue eyes forcing you into bed with the hottest thing you’ve seen this decade.

And you wanted to decline the ever-so-gracious invite to one sinful evening all because of a few monogamous mechanics?

When our world of love and sex is a constant game of finders keepers, relationships often become more centered around finding than keeping. Bedrooms become a a battle where lovers are in a constant search for the antidote to monogamy. And that’s just the way it is.

So, the next time you cheat, I can only hope it’s with me.

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