As Google and China continue their convoluted Mexican standoff across the South China Sea and our country slogs through divisive political struggles and rampant joblessness, I decided to do something proactive and start a cult.
China isn’t fighting Google for the right to keep its populace in the dark; it is fighting to reverse our shared cosmic destiny and somehow knock our planet off the unstoppable death spiral Google has concocted for all of mankind. If you can open your mind to this possibility (and you don’t mind recreational farming or wearing purple capes while dancing to flute music), you may want to think about joining my cult.
History is written by the winners. If my calculations are correct, your children’s children’s literate friends will one day read about the brave handful of committed compatriots who rose up and joined forces in the face of oppressive logic and the crushing weight of tyrannical level-headedness.
Emperor Qin Shi Huang, the man who united China 200 years before Baby Jesus lazed around the manger, saw how the world would end in a vision of the apocalypse that makes up the core belief system of my cult. His ancient prophecy guided China to begin preparing against Google and the harbinger of doom that Google would unleash on the world: Sarah Palin.
Qin Shi Huang knew his Great Wall of China would only keep Google at bay for a finite amount of time, so he built China into the final barrier against the information giant. The emperor understood the fact that time itself was actually speeding up as humanity began powering communications revolutions which not only made life seemingly move faster but also made the earth spin faster.
We see the consequences of our planet spinning out of control as the state of balance innate to nature triggers earthquakes at certain specific longitudes to slow the extra spin of the earth. Qin Shi Huang’s closed-off country is humanity’s only answer to the catastrophic damage Google plans to unleash upon the world in 2012 with Sarah Palin’s inevitable presidential campaign.
Google has orchestrated the entire political career of Sarah Palin, knowing full well that she is purpose-built to stoke the most passionate response possible in carbon-based life forms. If her infectious folksyisms and diamond-hard homespun moral certainty somehow get through to the subconscious mind of billions of Chinese citizens, the global Google searches of her leading up to the election in 2012 will send the earth spinning out of control.
This will all hit the mainstream press when the real burial tomb of Emperor Qin Shi Huang is finally unearthed in early 2012, but by then it will be much too late.
As the planet convulses and skips from one apocalyptic moment to the next a la the recent pseudo-documentary “2012,” it will be patently obvious why the famous terracotta warriors buried by Qin Shi Huang have faced Alaska for millennia.
Forget what you think you know about the flow of time and the idea that history is anything but the uncoiling of fate, because you clearly have not mastered deterministic quantum mechanics or somehow injected enough crushed peyote buttons intravenously into your ocular sockets to be a cult leader.
But I digress. All you need to know are the basics of our impending date with destiny and to remember to quit your job and join my cult today while it is still in the planning stages.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His columns appears on Thursdays.
