As a corporation, British Petroleum is deeply saddened by the recent leaks in our interwebs tube that have pumped out an ever-increasing number of highly sensitive and damaging internal documents into the vital Gulf of Public Opinion. We have prepared the following memo as a “top kill procedure” on the destructive flow of information by piping loads of crap into real leaks of BP’s corporate philosophy:
BP has been heartened by the way our CEO, Tony Hayward, was able to use his charming British accent to make even the most odious proclamations and reversals seem somewhat palatable to a generation of Americans who will be irreparably harmed by our recent public relations disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Keeping in line with this logic, BP is pleased to announce that our new spokesperson will be the Geico gecko.
Hiring the gecko, and thereby gleaning at least some measure of his genteel persona, will also head off any charges that BP somehow harbors little concern for the welfare of animals. In fact, this year British Petroleum has already committed more money toward helping animals dying from contact with oil and chemical dispersants than any other corporation or government in the world.
Why? Because we care.
BP may care more for these helpless and gentle creatures than the boot-wearing naysayers in the American political system. President Obama and the Democrats are facing a tough campaign this fall for control of Congress and are likely to back away from publicly supporting intensely communal animals like waterfowl, due to rising public resentment for the word “socialist.”
Sea turtles skew older and conservative, with their rock-solid breeding schedules, and thus may not be a key Obama constituency going forward. While the welfare of fish and fisherman is of the utmost concern to BP, the cutthroat life of a fish mirrors our own corporate culture and the wider capitalist system enough that our company feels it necessary to ask a simple question of the American people.
What is the most important natural resource in the world?
While some may argue passionately that the health of the natural ecosystems and nature itself is of utmost concern and others may advocate for various non-renewable resources like oil, British Petroleum posits that the most vital natural resource in the world is the healthy corporation vigorously swimming in an unfettered ocean of free market capitalism.
The recent exemplary record our company has had in job creation in the besieged Gulf region should be celebrated rather than vilified, especially as we still have access to the valuable oil well itself. The true test of our new gecko spokesman will be his ability to use a somber tone and elicit sympathy when we give American taxpayers the bill for removing all the dead animals from our oil.
Like the majestic dolphin, a corporation is a bellwether species that signals the overall health and vitality of a system. While the outright destruction of the coastline of much of America is certainly regrettable, we cannot sit idly by and let a huge global corporation like BP simply die in the muck like so many millions of living creatures.
Tommy Maple is a grad student in international communications.
